1715 East Anderson

Less of a woman...

2012-02-09T14:04:00.000-05:00

If you read my blog, and I'm sure there are not many of you, this post will likely cry out of self-pity and drama. I'm apologizing now and relieving you of your obiligation to leave a "chin up" comment. I know that all the things I'm about to confess are "not my fault," "out of my control," etc.

Tuesday was my 36-week check up with my obstetrician. Prior to the dr. appt, we had a scheduled ultrasound to check the position of my darling daughter since L was born via c-section due to a breech presentation at 39 weeks. I will not even pretend to be one of those women so in tune with my body and my child that I could tell you what part is where at any given moment. I did think that based on what one nurse had said while trying to find the heartbeat a few appointments back, there was a slight chance this little girl had made her turn and was now in the "right" position to give me a chance at a vaginal birth.

But as the ultrasound neared, I think I knew it my heart I was wrong. And it only took me two seconds of looking at the screen in the imaging room to confirm my fears. My little girl is breech, just like her big brother. The good news is that we found this out three weeks and one day sooner than we did with him, which means there are still some things we can try that might allow her to turn and might allow me to have the vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) that I've hoped for pretty much since the day my son was born nearly three years ago.

But I left the doctor not feeling optimistic. She was nice and said she'd give it a go if I wanted to try everything before a c-section. She gave me some options to think about, consider, etc. She told me that at this stage in gestation only 3-4% of babies are breech. (I bitchily thought, "sure, but 100% of my babies are.") They will check again Tuesday to see if she's turned (so far head is still firmly planted in left ribs). Then, I can schedule an "external version," which is a procedure done at the hospital (in case of complication and necessary emergency c-section) and involves the doctor using her hands on my belly to manually flip the baby around. Sometimes when this is done and works, they will start your induction to begin labor. However, my previous c-section precludes me from induction.

So, we do that procedure (which could be very painful and involve soreness and bruising and failure) at 38 weeks. If it works, we wait for labor to come on its own and I hope she won't turn back (which is less likely at that late stage of pregnancy due to size). If it doesn't work, then we look at a calendar and decide which day we want to deliver our baby girl via c-section.

So, I'm a pessimist. I know this, I don't like it, but I know it. I am trying some "homeopathic" ways to get the gal to flip on her own before the version. I even made an appointment with an acupuncturist to do a moxibustion procedure that has had proven success. But I'm also feeling like the chances of being able to deliver the baby "the old-fashioned way" are diminishing.

And I know it makes no sense to a lot of people, but I'm devastated to think that I'll never know what it's like to give birth in the way I have envisioned my entire life. The most gut-wrenching and heartbreaking thing to me about my son's birth was that it was over an hour before I could hold my son in my arms. The whole world (or pretty much all of our closest friends and family) got to stand at a window and coo over him while I was alone in a recovery room after a quick kiss on his little cheek.

I was lucky to be able to say that my first surgery was uneventful. I had no complications and didn't physically really ever feel much more than minor discomfort. Yes, it took longer for my milk to come in. Yes, I had restrictions about driving and lifting. But nothing that really mattered that much. Now, three years later, no lifiting means no picking up my now big boy (which has been hard enough lately!). No driving means two weeks of not dropping him at school or picking him up or being able to take care of myself without help.

So, wah wah wah. These are my struggles with the uncertainty of the next 2-4 weeks.

And, P.S., this is when it really becomes a pain to not have Zoloft in your life.

My Mentor

2011-12-13T08:59:00.000-05:00

The other day a coworker brought in a guest - her 80-year-old mentor. This man gave A her first job years ago and shepherded her career over the last several decades - across America and back again. He was a lovely man and he got me thinking about my mentor.

I had just turned 18 the first time I met Brooks. I was a lowly student volunteer in my second day on UK's campus when I started working in the media relations office. It was set up by another staffer while I was still in high school and I was completely nervous. So, I did what I was told. Miss Joyce had me answering phones, fan mail, faxing, doing mail runs and everything under the sun. The job wasn't exactly glamourous, but I loved it. And I did it for free, every chance I had. (Snowstorm shuts down campus - sure, I'll trudge over from the dorm to help out!)

My work with Brooks was limited at first...in the hierarchy of students, I was low-man. I worked every basketball game but just handing out stats to the media at timeouts and such. I think the first "task" BD gave me was doing player quotes in the locker room after a game over Christmas break when everyone else was gone home. (there's a funny Jamaal Magloire story here.)

Eventually, I worked my way up from student volunteer to student assistant (pay, yeah) and began staying in Lexington for the summers working. I'm sure this is when I really began to click with Brooks - helping him research for the media guide, collecting opponent information and the likes. He agreed to let me do some concentrated work with men's basketball during my senior year in college for an internship credit. And to reward me, he took me on my first road trip - and it was no joke. I got to fly on the team plane to Michigan State, do some post-game notes and even escort Coach Smith to Coach Izzo's office after the game so he could meet Muhammad Ali (unreal!).

Along the way there were conversations about adding to our staff, but I also knew not to get my hopes up. I knew chances were slim that a new position would be added and even if it was, who was to say it would be mine? Well, fate being what it is, that summer when I was graduating, our longtime department head transitioned to another department and BD was promoted. I had already begun interviewing for internships and had accepted a one-year job at the conference office when the full-time spot in our office was added. I applied and held my breath. It seemed too good to be true - working full time covering two of my own sports and being the assistant contact for basketball. But it was mine.

That was just one of the many ways that my mentor helped me along - a big way, don't get me wrong - but not the only way. You see, if it hadn't been for the little things along the way, I never would have been in a position to get that job. Brooks was there when I was certain I hated my major (Communications) but didn't know what to do to get to the career (sports information) I wanted. He said, "you have to know how to write. Get a journalism degree." He "bled" all over my press releases, game notes and media guides until I was humiliated but learning the right way to do things.

But Brooks taught me how to believe in myself. How to be a grown up and how to survive in the "man's world" of college athletics without comprimising my character. He taught me to be professional and smart. He showed me the value in building relationships with the players and staff, media and fans. He gave me an opportunity to live my dreams as a 21-year-old kid.

I was devastated two years into my career when Brooks left to work for a new sports marketing company in town. It was the right move for him, but I was afraid to "fly on my own." I think it was only after he was gone that I started to realize what it meant to have a mentor and a champion. I learned the hard way that not every boss will support you like him, not every friend will watch your back like he did and not many people will take the extra time to teach along the way.

I still consider him one of my most trusted confidantes. I value his advice, opinions and know that if not for him, I wouldn't be where I am today. Granted that I never saw my path leading me here, but I'm proud of the professional I've become and find myself every day thinking, "What would Brooks do?"

Simply put - BDD is good people!

2011-11-29T16:15:00.000-05:00

Enough said? I honestly don't think anyone reads this blog anymore and I'm pretty sure the handful of you who might have at some point are all aware of my ongoing struggles with depression, anxiety, etc. I hate labeling myself as "depressed" because to me there is a connotation that everyon who is "depressed" is sad, unhappy with their life choices, unable to find joy in everyday life.

That's not what depression is. Depression really is a chemical thing. On a good day, when I'm hitting on all cylinders and everything is "going my way" I still find myself in some low points when I'm not on proper medication.

Why do I bring this up? Well, I'm not on proper medication. Somewhere between the time I delivered a happy, healthy and, might I add, smart little boy in April 2009 and the time I conceived my daughter in June 2011, someone decided that my preferred medication, Zoloft, could possibly cause some repiratory problems in my unborn child. Of course, they say the risk levels are small, but enough to scare the bejesus out of any person incubating another. Is my "sadness" really worth risking my baby's health? No.

So, I weaned off the medication over the first 15 weeks of my pregnancy and didn't see any significant affects. However, the last 10 weeks have been a bit more challenging. My life, by no means, is anything to complain about, but there are stressors and things that I would normally face head-on - you know, roll with the punches, that now have me frazzled. I cry much more than normal and far more than I did during my first pregnancy. I'm exhausted - but not just physically. Things have lost the luster and shine and I truly find myself counting the days (97) until this pregnancy is over (or supposed to be) and I can (meet my daughter) get back on my Zoloft.

Today I thought I'd had enough, so I called my OB/GYN and asked her if it was better to go back on a lower dosage of Zoloft or try something different. She called in some Wellbutrin to my pharmacy. And now, I'm not sure I want to go pick it up. Because I worry about messing with my body by getting on something else to get back off (since Wellbutrin isn't recommended to breastfeeding moms) and back on Zoloft in 14 weeks.

I want to just pull my hair out - I mean it's 14 weeks. SUCK IT UP, self. Deal with feeling like crap for 97 more days and then go with what you know works. Sometimes that seems doable, easy even. And sometimes it seems like the next 14 weeks will go by at a snail's pace and I'll be a blubbering mess of slop on the floor until then.

And today I realized that what all of this likely means for me is that I'll be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. I hate that feeling.

Getting to know me...

2011-07-08T09:41:00.000-04:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Amanda Cory, a character on the now defunct soap opera, Another World. I think I'm also named after her character's cousin Nicole.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
June 23 when I went to the hospital to see my uncle. He was in pretty bad shape after a heart attack.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
yes

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
some days, but sometimes I'm mean.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM ALOT?
more than most people enjoy!

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I'm kind of a chicken.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
that's a toughie as I love cereal. Peanut Butter Captain Crunch probably

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
no

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? kind of.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Chocolate Peanut Butter (Archer Farms at Target is the best I have found in stores!)

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
eyes

15. RED OR PINK?
red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my inability to stick to my fitness and dietary goals

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My grandad.

18. LAST BOOK YOU FINISHED? Fly Away Home by Jennifer Weiner

19. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
black

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
a bite of a powdered donut from a coworker which I spit out...stale.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
office sounds - doors shutting, printers printing.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Mahogany

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
fresh cut grass, coffee, my sons head.

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
sandi

25. MOUNTAIN HIDEAWAY OR BEACH HOUSE?
Mountain hideaway

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
college hoops

27. HAIR COLOR? dark brown (and gray - eek!)

28. EYE COLOR? BROWN

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
yes

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
mushrooms, pizza, fajitas

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Cars

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
red

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
both

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
apple pie

37. STRENGTH TRAINING OR CARDIO?
either would probably be better than nothing, my current routine

38. COMPUTER OR TELEVISION?
I can't lie, I'm a TV junkie.

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Are You There Vodka, It's Me Chelsea? by Chelsea Handler and 90 Minutes in Heaven

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
2011 Calendar with a picture of my Lucster

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
my son

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Washington State?

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I'm a pretty fast typer.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Memorial Medical Center in Springfield, IL

47. WHERE ARE YOU LIVING NOW?
Lexington, Ky.

48. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE? brick and cream siding

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CAR?
Silver

50. DO YOU LIKE ANSWERING 50 QUESTIONS?
Yay!

Grief

2011-05-02T13:15:00.000-04:00

Grief is a funny thing. You think you're over the shock and loss of something, but it finds you again in the most unusual ways and places.

Three months have passed since my grandfather died. It seems like he's been gone forever. Truly. I last saw him on New Year's Eve...it was a rushed visit at the nursing home. I tried to call him the night before he passed because he was on my mind. He didn't answer - found out later he didn't have the strength to talk.

And now, we're in May. The month he should have turned 85.

My family has been working on cleaning out my grandparents home to get ready to sell it. They have all now come to grips with the fact that Grandmom will never live there again. So, all last week they were dividing up the furniture, heirlooms and little piece of their and our childhoods. My grandparents have lived in their house for 33 years - that's a long time to accumulate memories.

Like the cuckoo clock that hangs on the wall in the family room. I loved getting to wind it back up with Granddad when I was younger.

Like the glass bottle collection of my grandmothers, little perfume and cologne bottles on display in nearly every room of the house.

Like the old metal stool that sat in the kitchen, once that horrible kitchen yellow gold color and now painted black (we discovered my grandfather had a penchant for painting everything black, white or green) that every kid and grandkid sat on at some point in childhood (or sometimes adulthood).

There are 4,000 tiny little thin towels in the bathroom that wouldn't cover my left thigh, a million books and magazines, more than a few coffee cans full of miscellaneous nails and screws, countless hand saws (didn't know you needed more than one!) and so much more.

I walked around the house Friday night and took photos. I wanted to never forget the way it looked. The fruit magnets on the fridge, framed photos on any and every flat surface in the house, little pieces of paper everywhere reminding my Granddad of an appointment or meeting. (There was one for an annual visit this coming August which took my breath. How could we have known last August that he wouldn't be here now?)

I think I thought I was over the loss of my grandfather. But I'm not. My heart aches to hear his voice, to see his cute little face, to hold his hand, to tell him how much I love him. He knew. But you see, I'm selfish. I don't find this journey all that fun without him. I want to know what he's up to right now.

How I Shop...

2011-04-11T08:42:00.000-04:00

Well now, there's a topic...

I am an impulsive and determined shopper.

Prior to meeting my husband, I would never have called myself an impulsive shopper. I thought most of my decisions were pretty well thought out and I'm always a stickler for price shopping. But I never knew how thought out a decision could be when shopping for a certain item until I met my sweet husband.

Let me say this - we have a new rule when it comes to dress shoes and khaki pants. If he finds some he likes, we have to buy two pairs because it literally can take one hundred years to find the perfect pair of brown, you know, dark brown but not really dark brown, lace up - but skinny not fat laces, dress shoes - you know, to wear with a suit, but not with jeans, pair of shoes.

I'm the opposite. If I see a pair of shoes I like, I try them on. If they seem comfortable and are affordable, I buy them. If they have them in another needed neutral, I buy those too. I also look for 1-2 of my favorite brands or plan ahead to hit a BOGO sale at Shoe Carnival or Payless or somewhere. I just like to get it done.

I would say I'm "determined/obsessive" when I want a particular something for my house. I will set out to say, Target, to look at kids bedding. I'll find something there that I might like, but I can't make myself purchase it until I'm sure it's the best value. So I'll very quickly (like in 1-2 days time) hit Kohls, Bed Bath & Beyond, Home Goods, TJMaxx, Marshall's, JCPenney and online before heading back to Target, probably, to get the first thing.

When I'm determined to get something off my list, I make quick work of exhausting all possible solutions. And usually I'm exhausted enough at the end to end up in a drive-thru ordering something bad, bad, bad - can you say Mushroom and Swiss Burger?

Why I Was A Childhood Bully

2011-04-06T11:05:00.000-04:00

This topic came up next on my Blog Topics list and it made me laugh out loud. I was NOT a childhood bully. And while I wasn't terrorized either, I was far more frequently on the wrong end of the bullying. I don't really know why. I only really remember this going on from an older girl on the school bus when I was in middle school. She'd yell at me to shut up all the time. And trust me, I barely spoke in her presence as I was just trying to keep from peeing my pants.

Her name was Kelly. Wonder what ever happened to her.

Why I Dislike My Hometown

2011-02-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

The original title of this blog on my list was Why I Hate My Hometown, but since I don't, I thought that was a bit harsh.

Maysville is small, and while I'll normally put that on the "plus" column, it sometimes has the following inconveniences.

There is no where to shop for clothing. Outside of the relatively small JCPenney, Walmart and Kmart, it's hard to find clothing. There was Goody's, then it closed, but reopened under the same name but not the same company, yada yada...There was Maurice's when I was in high school but it closed. So, you either drive to Cincinnati or Lexington to shop or you wear the same clothes that everyone else bought at JCP. It's your choice.
There is really nothing much for teenagers to do outside of school events. You can cruise Kmart's parking lot - and no, I'm not kidding - or go to the movie, go to church or stay at home. Or, as I fear happens too much, you can get into trouble.
There seems to me to still be some racial issues in Maysville but I won't go into all that.
While a concerted effort has been made to revitalize the downtown, it's not what it used to be. Which is a shame, because being on the river really does make it a lovely downtown.

Overall, there aren't many things I truly dislike about my hometown.

Why I Love My Hometown

2011-01-25T11:15:00.000-05:00

My childhood was very nomadic by nature. We never lived anywhere for very long, at first because of my dad's job, then after the divorce, for a variety of reasons. So, by the time I got married and purchased my first home, I had moved a total of 26 times in 26 years. (Physical address changes, not towns.) But we have always called Maysville, Kentucky our home.

Both of my parents were raised around Maysville - my mother spent her whole life living in the downtown area, while my father grew up in several houses around Tollesboro which is 10 miles away. We spent as many holidays as we could in the area, visiting both sets of my grandparents.

It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that Maysville "technically" became my hometown when my Mom and I packed our things in Dayton, Ohio and moved home. There were just seven weeks left in the school year, but I had a habit of making friends quickly.

So what do I love about Maysville? Lots of things...

I love the feeling I get when I enter town on US 68 in Washington. My heart swells and I feel suddenly like my true authentic self. It's amazing what 62 miles can do for the heart.

I love seeing my family, everywhere. When most of your extended family lives in one general area, you can run into cousins at Walmart, Frisch's, church, the gas station, anywhere.

The view of the Ohio River coming down the old hill - it's not as pretty in the winter, but far easier to see.

The "Honk the Horn Tunnel" by Wald's Park.

Delites

Magee's Bakery

Pasquale's Pizza & Pasta - this place has been a rich family tradition for all of my life. It used to be in an old gas station that had only four booths but it was ALWAYS the first stop when we arrived in Maysville for a visit. They have delicious stromboli sandwiches (which my husband has informed me are not true strombolis, but oh well.). I had the honor of waiting tables there the summer after my freshman year of college and loved every single second. That probably sounds dumb, but it was the funnest job I've had - no stress, fun people.

I love that people say hello when you walk down the street.
I love that everytime you meet someone new they ask you whose kid you are.

George Clooney is from there and loves it. He even premiered his movie Leatherheads there a few years ago. Hello!

This Will Be My Epitaph

2011-01-18T09:02:00.003-05:00

Who wants to think about this? Not me. But also, I realized it's very simple.

Amanda Polley Brajuha
8.9.1979 - 3.12.2070
Loving wife, mother, friend.

"What a day that will be..."

I just want to be remembered as a good person. Who doesn't? Of course that will involve me practicing what I preach.

I have a collection of all of those famous 100-page "self help" type books that both Dave and I have received through the years from bosses, professors, etc. Last night I read "How Full Is Your Bucket?" and it really does make a lot of sense. I think I spend far too much time scooping from other people's buckets and then wonder why mine is empty. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a mean-spirited person, but it's amazing how little things we say and do can affect other people in a negative way.

This year I'm hoping to invest more time making my friendships stronger and making myself a better, more positive person.

Potpourri

2011-01-14T15:14:00.006-05:00

One of my book club friends, Lauren, is a published author of a great looking cookbook - The 5 Ingredient Club - How to Cook Everything in Five Ingredients or Less. I'm excited to hit our local bookstore this weekend and pick it up. You can get it here!

I am pretty much obsessed with Real Simple magazine. I loooove the great tips, tricks, etc. Yesterday, I received an email with this article... I learned a few new things, hope you will too!

I ordered some really cute invitations for my friend's baby shower from Vista Print the other day. Their prices are very reasonable, you can always find a coupon code at Retail Me Not and the designs are cute.

Thinking of doing a homemade Mickey birthday party. Any ideas?

2. The Person I Admire Most

2011-01-06T08:08:00.004-05:00

This topic, while daunting, was not difficult for me to tackle.

The person I admire most on this planet is my sister.

As is the case with most younger siblings, I have always looked up to my sister, wanted to be like her, wanted to be with her, etc. With a nine-year age difference, we weren't particularly close early in my life. I mean, how much can an 8-year-old have in common with her 17-year-old sister? I was playing Barbie's and she was listening to Duran Duran and planning nights out with her friends.

I don't remember when our relationship really changed. When I was in the eighth grade, maybe? My mom and some friends wanted to take a weekend trip to Chicago, where my sister was living. They stayed downtown at a hotel, but I got to go along and stay with my sister in her cool apartment. She lived right next to the "L" and at night her whole bedroom shook every 20 minutes when a train went by. I thought that was AWESOME. That weekend also was my first trip to the IHOP, Ed Debevics, the Gap Warehouse - so many firsts! If I hadn't already thought my big sister was cool, I sure did then.

Not long after that, I know our relationship took another step toward the closeness we share today. While I had suspected, in the summer of 1994, my sister came out to me. We had all met Lisa. I knew that "friends" didn't often both accept transfers in the same company at the same time - DUH! I think it was a huge relief to finally TELL someone in our family. I will never forget that moment or the pride I felt that she picked ME to share her "secret" with.

After I graduated high school I think we were finally on a somewhat more level playing field. We were both "adults." I use that term loosely for anyone reading this who knows my sister and I - sort of childish together. Since that time, we have only grown closer to each other. In the last 10 years, I think maybe three days in a row have passed without us talking and sometimes we talk every single day.

My sister makes me laugh (so hard I pee myself), makes me think, makes me mad, makes me happy. She makes me want to be smarter and more educated. She makes me want to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better sibling. I aspire to have her wit, wisdom, courage, heart, charm.

For me, there is no one that knows me better. My sister is woven of the same thread as I. She has traveled the same road I have every single step of the way. She has known me every day of my life and loved me unconditionally. She has survived so much. I know how hard it was for me to live through my parents marriage, and she did it for nine more years than I did. When they were fighting and we were scared, it was my sister who held our hands and wiped our tears.

She is my sister, my mother, my best friend.

The Story of My Most Serious Injury

2011-01-04T13:18:00.003-05:00

I am very fortunate to not have many injuries in my past to pick from. In fact, my most "serious" injury didn't even require stitches, but did involve a trip to the ER.

When I was about seven, we lived in a little town called Mexico, Missouri (blog title inspiration) and our house was two block from Missouri Military Academy, an all-boy, private, military boarding school, which had just built a huge gymnasium complex with a huge outdoor track.

My brother and I usually rode our bikes at the BMX track down the street, but on this day were riding over at MMA on the track...I distinctly remember seeing a 2x4 type board laying across the track ahead of me and thinking that I'd "jump" it. But apparently my sky blue Huffy didn't quite have the mojo to make it over the plank. The next thing I knew, my handlebars were spinning and I flew over them to the track below.

I knew it was pretty bad right away... my right knee was burning and stinging and there was lots of blood. I was afraid to move and was crying hard. I distinctly remember feeling the hot tears pouring down my cheeks. My brother had doubled back to check on me and was alarmed by the blood too. I told him to ride home quickly and get Mom to come get me.

I laid there for a while, gathering my wits about me, then decided to try walking toward home. There was blood running down my leg, but there wasn't much pain, so I kept walking and pushing my bike home. I kept thinking I'd see that old 68 white Ford Galaxy turning the corner by Jimmy & Krissie's house, but I made it home and the car was still in the driveway...Hmm. My brother's bike was there, so I know he made it home.

As I pushed open the front door, there I found Mom and my brother. He was crying, trying to tell Mom what happened. I don't really remember if we weren't supposed to be at the MMA or if he was really just that worried about me (seems hard to believe.) But in no time after seeing me, we were in the Ford, on the way to the hospital.

I don't remember everything about the hospital visit. I know there were cinder rocks in my knee and they used a water pick to clean as many as they could out of there. I remember Dad meeting us there and I remember crying loudly that "Now I'll never get to be Miss America."

(Sidenote: the MMA Gymtorium also hosted the Miss Missouri Pageant each year and my Dad was on the Board of Directors. I was bound and determined to be just like those girls, which now I realize were probably 18-22 years old - I thought them to be much older and wiser than that.)

I still have a dime-sized scar on my right knee...there were no stitches, the hold just has to heal on its own. My knee hurts a lot when it rains...I assume it's related to the injury, but I'm also part-hypochondriac, part Web MD junkie.

Blog Topics

2011-01-04T13:17:00.001-05:00

So I'm constantly in search of jumping-off points for blog posts. I like to have a focus point, otherwise, it tends to just be the ramblings from my brain, which quite frankly, are tiresome even to me.

So I found this list online and I'm going to work through it...in order, as to not put off any tough topics til last...

The Story of My Most Serious Injury
The Person I Admire Most
This Will Be My Epitaph
Why I Love My Hometown
Why I Hate My Hometown
Why I Was a Childhood Bully
How I Shop
How I Choose to Spend My Money
I Wish I Spent Less Money on This
Why I’m in My Current Job
My Ideal Job
My High School Clique
My Worst Subject in School
If I Had a Super Power
Here’s Where My Opinion Differs From the Majority
Why I Voted the Way I Did in the Last Election
Why I Don’t Vote
The Cause I Really Believe In
Why I Came To Religion
Why I Don’t Believe Anymore
Where I Find Spirituality
My First Kiss
My Worst Kiss
The First Time I Had My Heart Broken
Why I Travel
Why I Don’t Travel
My Philosophy on Raising Children
Why I Chose My University Degree
My Favourite Place on the Planet
My Greatest Sin Against the Environment
Why I Married My Spouse
My Most Hated Movie
The Book That Changed My Life
My Unexpected Mentor
I Couldn’t Live Without This Song
If I Hear This Song Again, Radio Personalities Will Suffer
I Have the Craziest Uncle Ever
Why I Believe in Luck
Why I Don’t Believe in Luck
How I Earned My Worst Karma
Where I Volunteer
Why I Don’t Volunteer
My Favorite Item of Clothing Growing Up
If This Celebrity Knocked On My Door, I’d Run Away With Them
Why I Care About Celebrities
Why I Love This Sport
Why I Hate Sports
When I’m at My Most Self-Indulgent
How To Be Selfless
My Childhood Dreams, and How I’ve Fulfilled Them
How I Learned Patience
How My Hard Work Paid Off
I’ve Never Been More Surprised in My Life
What Scares the Shit Out of Me
The Only Thing I Can Teach You

New Year

2011-01-03T09:12:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year to one and all. I was checking my weekly appointments on my iphone before I went to bed last night and had a moment of stunned silence - how is it January 2011 already? Where did 2010 go?

This year's standout moments include:

Watching our little baby turn into a little boy. He runs, talks and has such an outgoing personality. It's so hard to believe that this time last year he wasn't even crawling yet.
Fun summer trips to NY - first the long week at the in-laws, then to a family wedding in Buffalo.
Two trips to St. Louis to see my sister. Luca sure loves those aunts!
A trip to Baltimore in June to see my sister-in-law - while only a long weekend, we had so much fun exploring her "hometown."
Sadly saying farewell to our friends the Owens' when they moved to Florida in July - luckily it's only for a year.
Celebrating my sister's 40th birthday in December.
Hearing the fun news that my friends J & S are both expecting baby boys in the spring!
A new HVAC unit at the house - good or bad? I'm not sure....glad we have heat and air, but the $7,000 bill was a bit tough to swallow. And of course the air went out on the day we hosted 30 people to say goodbye to the Owens!
Catching up with long lost friends, enjoying the love and friendship of strong and caring women, and on a bittersweet note, realizing that sometimes you just outgrow relationships and have to move on.

As a I move into 2011, I'm so excited about the possibilities that lie ahead...

Reaching my goal weight and being physically active for my family and myself.
Supporting my husband as he hopefully begins a positive career transition.
Taking a real vacation??!!??
Possibly expanding our family.
Reading more, and NOT People Magazine!
Forgiving myself when I fall short.
Being an engaged and enthusiastic partner to my husband, support to my friends and mother to my son!

Broken

2010-12-01T09:05:00.003-05:00

When I was little, there were three very special ornaments on our Christmas tree. Mine and my sister's were pink and my brother's was blue. They were glass balls filled with "angel hair" and hand our names, birthdate, weight, length, etc. on them. My mom treasured these ornaments. I'm not sure where they came from, who gave them to her, etc., but when those came out of the box, we were told to be very careful.

I remember being about 7 or 8 the first time I was allowed to hang my pink ornament on the tree by myself and thinking how careful I needed to be since I was being trusted with something so precious. Then of course I'd be very prideful every time I walked by the tree and saw the ornament smiling back at me.

But as careful as I was, it was only a couple of years later when I broke my pretty pink ornament. Like most bad things, it happened in slow motion. I couldn't stop it and I was crushed like the tiny pieces that shattered all over the living room. I had been trusted with something sacred and I'd ruined it. It wasn't my first brush with self-hatred, and certainly wouldn't be my last.

At the time I didn't realize that kids break things. That things happen. I just knew it was important to my mom and that I had ruined it. I had ruined the set, I had ruined the tree and every year when we got the ornaments out again, I would be reminded that my special ornament was missing because of my failure.

It was a glass ball. The fact that it is no longer around does not mean that I have ceased to exist. I was still born on that day, I still weighed 7 lb. 14 oz. My name is still Amanda.

As we put up our family tree this week and my precious little son reached and grabbed at all of the "special" ornaments that came out of the box, I made a vow. I wouldn't place too much importance on anything in any of those boxes. Nothing in there is worth him feeling the way I made myself feel. And that starts with me and how I value the time we spend decorating our tree as a family, not what ornaments are on the tree or what might be broken.

Thanksgiving

2010-11-21T12:40:00.002-05:00

I am thankful for:

* A sweet little boy named Luca, whose very presence on this earth warms my heart. Not to mention his sweet hugs and kisses and the joy in his eyes when he sees me after an absence, be it a nap, a trip out of the room or a long day at work.

* A gorgeous wonderful husband named Dave, who loves me unconditionally and loves our son with all of his heart. He makes me smile and laugh and with him I know that I am safe, loved and adored. Can you ask for more from your partner?

* My wonderful sister Tricia, who in just a few weeks will celebrate 40 years on earth. She is my closest confidante on this planet. She knows my history, shares my secrets and makes me laugh so hard I pee my pants. My only sadness is that I wasn't around to share the first 9 years with her!

* A fantastic group of women in my life who make me stronger and smile more. You know who you are.

* Health.

* That no matter what happens in the coming days, weeks and months, I have been truly blessed to have had my granddad for 31 wonderful years. Some people don't ever know the closeness we share. He is a hero, for our country, but mostly for me.

* Coffee. Period.

* People willing to lend a hand, an ear, a shoulder.

Could be.

2010-11-12T11:44:00.002-05:00

I'm having one of those days where I feel like a big cry is around the corner and I'm not sure what is going to set it off, but grab your life vests folks.

Could it be that I've been sick for a month and a slug more or less in my eating and physical habits?

Could it be that my grandfather is dying? He weighs just 108 pounds now and says nothing tastes good enough to eat.

Could it be my beloved Aunt Pat had a completely unforeseen heart attack two weeks ago?

Could it be that the season has begun and my husband is gone for five days and the only thing that hurts more than missing him is knowing how much he's missing Luca?

Could be.

Thy Will Be Done

2010-10-28T15:02:00.002-04:00

We are all terminal.

Every day we spend on this earth brings us closer to our death and (hopefully) eternal life in heaven.

I've been thinking a lot lately about life and death and how important it is that I am prepared for the end, no matter when it should come - which hopefully will be when I'm old and gray and senile and sitting on my front porch rocking away with my sweet husband talking about how much fun we had in life.

But sometimes life doesn't play according to our rules. Sometimes it has its own agenda. Several months ago, a friend of a friend lost her 14-month battle with breast, and eventually liver cancer. She had a one-year-old son. It paralyzed me. Don't get me wrong, I know other mothers have died and left other children, and I didn't know her, but it hit me right in the heart. Because I could be her. And her sweet little boy could be Luca and I could cry right now thinking about sweet Ari's face and how he will never remember his sweet Mommy.

And then today, after I had actually looked on LegalZoom to see what Dave and I need to do to draft a will, I read about another friend of a friend. She was 26 years old and had gotten married just five weeks ago when she and her husband were hit by a drunk driver and she was killed. No good reason for her life to end so suddenly, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It's necessary, don't get me wrong, but it sucks. It's incredibly difficult to think about "the end." And it's even tougher when you have to talk about your wishes if you pass away with a young child. What if I die? Certainly there things I want to make sure happen for Luca. And God forbid something were ever to happen to both of us. But you have to think about that and make decisions on who you'd want to raise your child if you couldn't do it.

I almost can't even go there, but I know I have to. This is the part of life where sometimes you just have to put your big girl panties on and get to work. Easy or not.

Bite Me

2010-10-11T15:43:00.002-04:00

Okay, not me. In fact, stop biting altogether! Luca has been bit four times this month by the same kid at school. We're having a meeting with the center director in a few minutes. Apparently Luca is a toy-taker. How do you teach your kid to share when you only have one child? See, he's not interested in my toys (People Magazine, Words with Friends, etc.) and I don't for one instant want to steal his Hot Wheels or Lightning McQueen push toy.

B.F.F.

2010-09-29T08:36:00.002-04:00

Friendship has been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure why, though I'm starting to think that at this age and stage of life, it might be a common thing people deal with.

I am a very fortunate person. Despite my family's rather nomadic lifestyle, I always seemed to find a "best friend" at every place we lived. As I began thinking about articulating my recent thoughts on this subject, something struck me. It's remarkable how importance shifts in your life. I can remember being younger and how important it was to not only have a "best friend" but to "claim" that person and proclaim your status as Best Friends. My BFF in middle school once told me that I couldn't have two BFFs as BEST meant I had to choose. There were necklaces and cute little closings on the handwritten notes we passed between classes.

LYLAS (Love You Like a Sister)
BFF (Best Friends Forever)

And who can forget those necklaces - BeFri and StEnds. (P.S. I was always St Ends and wanted so badly to have the Be Fri side of the necklace!!!)

But now, as a 31-year-old woman, I'm more impressed with the wide variety of "best friends" I have in my life. I have my sister, who is far and away the most intricately and deeply woven into my life of anyone on earth. We share the same history, we've walked the same path. When did we become best friends? Hard to tell, but I know that for a long time, I was the only person in our family that knew that Lisa was more than just her "best friend" - a secret I kept for many years. My sister knows me at my worst and ugliest and sees me in a nicer light than I see myself.

My sweet husband is my best friend for so many reasons. We are each others' constant. He gets that I am a bit crazy, but he loves me in spite of it. We share each others dreams and goals and all that schmultzy stuff. Oh, and we produced a human being that has become the center of our universe. That alone will not make you best friends, but struggling through the post-cesarean constipation and my struggles with breastfeeding the first two weeks certainly helped bring us closer.

There's my booger Ashlee. We met in college and while we weren't instant friends, it didn't take long for me to realize that she would be there for everything - the broken hearts, the job interviews, the wedding, the realized dream of meeting NKOTB, the baby, his wedding, and some sweet day an awesome vacation just me and her to somewhere wonderful and exciting!

And then there are my girls. My high school girls. We may not talk on the phone often, or manage visits on a regular basis, but we know each others' hearts. And when we sit down around a table, we are home again. I can't really express what it means to have people like this in my world.

All of this is to say that I have been struggling a bit lately with where I am with friendships in my life. And I know most of this is just a fact of life. I have a child, a full-time job and a very busy husband. A lot of days are just the same - get up, get out of the house with some clothes on, get L to daycare, get me to work, be a productive and somewhat professional employee, get the kid, get home, get dinner on the table, bath time, bedtime, a little me (TV) time and then to bed. There's not a lot of time for telephone chats or long emails and buying stamps is hard enough, let alone writing a letter to mail.

Sometimes I feel like my new BFF is a 26-pound little boy whose longest conversation consists of words like "bulldozer", "no" and "bubbles." Believe you me, I do not for a minute dismiss my times with him or wish life was any different. But sometimes it's hard to take a look a remember that you haven't had a real "heart-to-heart" in a long time.

And sometimes, your heart needs it.

Harold

2010-08-25T12:53:00.004-04:00

Harold is my grandfather. He was born May 28, 1925. His mom was Roxie Taylor Hysong Hunt.

My granddad is small in stature. I think he thinks he's at least 5-6, but we see eye to eye, physically that is. We wear the same size shoes...I told you, he's small.

Granddad is everything a grandfather should be. He loves me so and I love him more. I didn't have a particularly close relationship to him growing up, mostly because we always lived far away. Our visits were infrequent and never long enough. But he always gave me zurberts (a tradition my Uncle Buddy has carried on with great flair).

When I was 14, my mom and I moved back to her hometown. I very quickly realized what I had been missing by being so far from him. Perhaps its was our kindred love for the Kentucky Wildcats that got us on the fast track to our current bond. Or maybe he filled a void I hadn't had since my parents had divorced. (He never replaced my father, as moving home took me closer to him again, but you get it.)

Granddad took me to church every Sunday, got me involved in the youth group there, introduced me to everyone like I was the best thing since sliced bread. He took me golfing with him, we went to the grocery together, we went to my Granny's house together, decorated family gravesites on Memorial Day and all kinds of things. I can't begin to explain how much I grew to love my grandfather while I was still in high school.

And then I went off to UK and became a Wildcat and no one was more proud when I began working in the athletics department (perhaps it was the pocket schedules and media guides!). When my granddad had open heart surgery several years ago, I got the entire basketball team to sign a get well card for him. It's no surprise it is still framed on the wall in the hallway at his house. He came to games and met the players and loved it all. And I loved seeing his delight.

Our relationship has not been without its stumbles. The week of my wedding we had a falling out because of his disapproval over my having alcohol served at my reception. I was devastated to say the least. Not so much because he didn't approve of alcohol or my actions but the level of disconnect it brought between us on one of the most important days of my life.

But you live and you learn. I know he hasn't and won't always approve of what I do, but I know he loves me still.

Now, my grandfather is dying. There is no other way to say it. And the thought of living in a world without my buddy is upsetting. I knew he would die someday. We all will. He's 85 years old, the twilight had to be near. But still I am befuddled. How could my adorable, little white-haired, UK loving, World War II surviving, strong as nails Granddad die?

My sweet baby boy won't remember him. He won't sit around the table playing cards with him. He won't get up on Sunday mornings before church for his biscuits and sausage. He won't fear for his safety when Granddad hits the gas pedal. He won't get yelled at to put on the golf shoes before he tries to mow the hill. He won't get yelled at for opening the windows and front door on Christmas afternoon because it's 90 degrees in the house. He won't hold my granddad's hand. He won't remember.

And I won't forget.

Products I love...

2010-08-18T13:07:00.005-04:00

Quaker True Delights Wild Blueberry Muffin Oatmeal.
The best lotion I have ever used...Johnson & Johnson's Melt Away Stress Dreamy Night Lotion. (There, I endorsed it publicly, so I'm sure it will now be discontinued.)
Classic Ivory Shower Gel - smells delish!

Weight Watchers Ice Cream Candy Bars (3 pts and worth it!)

Chapstick Medicated (the only chapstick I come back to over and over again!)
Trader Joe's Butter Waffle Cookies - put some fro yo on these and freeze for a couple of hours...mmmmmmm
Bath & Body Works Sheer Freesia...
Enjoy hair products...way expensive but a very nice indulgence occasionally.

Finally

2010-08-06T08:41:00.002-04:00

Well, I hit a milestone at Weight Watchers last night. I have now officially lost 10 percent of my starting weight - which is reported to greatly reduce my risk of obesity-related diseases, etc. Woo.

More importantly, my pile of clothes that don't fit because they are too BIG is getting larger!! And things are starting to move from my skinny pile into my daily wardrobe. Don't get me wrong, I'm still 15-20 pounds from my ultimate goal, but I'm starting to feel like me again.

Like this morning - I reached up in the closet, pulled out a pair of jeans that hurt to put on two months ago and they zipped up with NO sucking in!!! Wooooo. It feels pretty incredible to go shopping in your own closet after being taken hostage by a fat girl for five years!

I lost 4 pounds this week, which is high, but was expected because I really buckled down and kept within my points target each day and was mindful of my eating. Plus I've had a lot of blah weeks in a row...Just goes to show, it works if you work it!!!

Now Eat This!

2010-07-26T20:32:00.002-04:00

As I've gone down the weight loss road this time, I found it necessary to arm myself with some new and fun foods so this didn't feel like a "diet" but more sustainable and a way of life for our family.

My boss turned me on to a great cookbook - "Now Eat This" by Rocco DiSpirito. In this book, Rocco has taken 150 of America's Favorite Comfort Foods and made them all under 350 calories. That's right! I know, I was skeptical too, but we've tried quite a few and they are remarkably good while still being good for you.

I wanted to share a new family fave and encourage you all to get the book. It's list price is $22, which I know is a bit steep. If you are here in town, I'll be glad to share the book and let you copy recipes. And I'll try to post one on here occasionally when we find a great treat!

Cheesy Turkey Enchiladas

12 ounces ground turkey breast
Four 9-inch low carb tortillas (he suggests La Tortilla Factory... I found some called Buena Vida at Wal-Mart that are delicious!)
2/3 cup fat-free spicy black bean dip (we couldn't find this at Kroger or Wal-Mart so we used black beans alone.)
Salt and Pepper
1 12-ounce jar tomatillo salsa (Ortega)
1 Cup Reduced fat Mexican Cheese Blend (2% Milk)
1/2 cup chopped fresh Cilantro

Preheat oven to 450
Heat a large nonstick saute pan over medium high heat. Add turkey and cook til it is just cooked through (about 4 mins).
Meanwhile toast your tortillas in the broiler and then keep them warm under a kitchen towel as you go.
Stir the black bean dip into the turkey. Season with salt and pepper.
Lay tortillas on flat survace and then divide turkey into them. Roll up and lay in a 9 x 13 baking dish.
Spoon the salsa over the tortillas and sprinkle with the cheese. Bake until cheese is bubbly and enchiladas are hot throughout (10-12 minutes).
Sprinkle the cilantro over the enchiladas and serve.

Before the makeover: 990 calories and 33g of fat per serving.
After: 314 calories and 9.9 grams of fat per serving.
Serving is one enchilada.
One enchilada is 6 Weight Watchers Points.

Struggles

2010-07-08T10:35:00.003-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how they change over time. And sometimes the hardest thing about that is the grieving that goes along with how your relationships change and sometimes end.

It's probably no secret to those of you who read this blog that I have an interesting relationship with my mother. I love, love, love my mom and have the utmost admiration for how she pulled off being a single-parent, juggling school at night and a full-time job with two little kids still at home. I especially now respect that even more as I have become a parent and know how hard it is to parent alone for three days when my husband is on the road. And that doesn't mean doing it on one income for 10 years.

My mom and I were close when I was growing up. For some time, it was just me and her at home and we were comrades, confidants. I told her everything (well, almost) and she inspired me.

But I left home for college 13 years ago and something happened to my mom. I don't know what it was, but suddenly things started going south. Her mental and physical health deteriorated only slightly faster than our relationship. She stopped calling, so I stopped calling. And eventually I stopped caring about the calling.

And then I began to resent the situation and blame myself. I mean, who else's fault is it? Things were fine til I left home. Then she got sick and sad and detached from everyone. She stopped being the mom I knew and looked up to. So I stopped being involved. And my heart hurt about it, but it was the only way I could protect myself. Luckily I had a time-consuming job to bury myself in and use as an excuse for the long absences in our relationship.

But now it's been 10+ years and things aren't any better. She wants things like they used to be. Well, guess what, so do I. But just calling and showing up doesn't fix 10 years of hurt and guilt and worry. I can't save her from herself and it kills me. I can't make her care about her health or well-being. I can't fix this.

I think the saddest part of it all is that I don't see things ever being better. I can't stop caring that she doesn't take care of herself and I also can't stop voicing that, which causes fights and meanness and ugliness to come out of me.

So what do you do?

I'm a Weight Watcher...

2010-04-29T10:29:00.002-04:00

Okay, you have to sing the title of the blog to that really horrible jingle that was on TV a few years ago for Wheel of Fortune (I'm a Wheel Watcher!). Ha. Makes me laugh. Though probably not nearly as funny after rendering an explanation.

Anyway, I finally did it. I went back to Weight Watchers and this time I'm for real. I did a half-assed attempt at this back in 2006 after my wedding and such left me with an inexplicable gift of 25 extra pounds.

I just decided I was done. I was done being embarrassed about my appearance. Heck, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life and I want to look as good as I feel. So on April 16 I pulled the plug and signed up online. I went to my first meeting the next afternoon and I have to tell you, I sat there the entire time almost in tears, which was not true the first time I went. I wasn't embarrassed to be there or anything, but just kind of at my "rock bottom" weight-wise.

People at work laughed the other day because I said that I want to lose this weight and get back in shape before my son ever realizes I'm fat. I don't think it's funny. I don't want him to ever be embarrassed about the way I look or anything. I'm going to do quite enough to embarrass that sweet boy over the next 50 years...my appearance aside.

So, week one weigh in I was down 4.6 pounds! It was an awesome feeling. I was on cloud nine! It really does work. My sweet husband is really supportive and is trying to drop some extra "winter" weight too, so it's made it more fun.

It's amazing though how five pounds will make you feel different. My pants button easier, my clothes fit better and I have more energy already (even with a heinous cough and cold this week.)

Fifteen...

2010-03-22T07:58:00.002-04:00

So I'm driving to work today listening to my lovely free Taylor Swift CD (story below) and found myself getting teary eyed just thinking about the lyrics to Fifteen. First off, can I just saw how amazingly talented this lady is? She speaks the truth and has really hit the nail on the head about all of my teenage angst. Now at age 30, it's likely I could go back and tell a pretty nice story about being 15, but it's taken me 15 extra years to get perspective on it all.

You see at 15, I was new to Maysville, and awkward and slightly shy. Looking back I had no idea who I was or where I was going. There's something to be said for that though. Just living in the moment and being. I finally felt accepted and like I had a place in the world and I didn't want to move beyond that. I wasn't worried about college or life after that very moment.

And at fifteen, I fell in love with a senior who I thought was the one. He was cool and he was so unlike anyone I'd met before and he seemed to think I was cool too, thereby making him the first person of the opposite sex that seemed to want to hang with me. And like a train wreck, I saw the heartbreak coming from a mile away but I couldn't stop it. I was in love with him and he had one foot out the door to college. I was just a timekiller. I'm not holding that against him now. But man did it hurt when he left. Looking back I realize it hurt the most because I lost a friend but at the time, I think I thought I was losing "what could have been." We were never a "couple" but I will always believe him to be my first love.

And at fifteen I met my "Abigail". Well, actually I was fourteen, but you get it. She understood me and I her. We were both in the same spot in life and it seemed to be our destiny to become best friends. We weren't the "popular" girls or the "pretty" girls, but we were the "nice" girls. We had lots of friends and lots of fun and we laughed until we cried. We drove circles around the town just hoping to find some action but were just as happy to sit at her kitchen table until the wee hours talking to her parents.

What I wouldn't give to be fifteen for a few minutes every now and again.

Fifteen by Taylor Swift

You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
You say "Hi" to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know I haven't seen you around, before"

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen
Feeling like there nothing to figure out
Well count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be out of here as soon as we can
And then you're on your very first date and hes got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're mommas waiting up and you think hes the one
And you're dancing round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin round but
In your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy of the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
Ive found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

What I think ...

2010-02-16T14:11:00.002-05:00

It's been a very busy month for me work-wise. I enjoy it. I like being challenged and accomplishing things, but I hate working the extra time when the time at home is so precious these days. It makes me very happy that I decided to change careers almost four years ago. On the days when I leave here 45 minutes late, I think "How could I have possibly balanced athletics and motherhood?"

I will be away from my boy overnight for the first time in two weeks. And it's for three nights. God help me. And Daddy.

It doesn't matter how cheap the gym membership is. If you aren't going, you're throwing money away. It is just another thing that makes me feel like a failure. So I'm canceling it. I'll work out at home when I can. I'm going to get a friend to help me craft some things I can do everyday at home either while the boy is sleeping or even when he's not.

2010-01-19T09:19:00.002-05:00

How many times will I post the same blog about my weight? How unhappy do I have to be with myself to do something about it? Where can I find willpower?

Not me...

Should be me...

Snow Days

2010-01-08T09:12:00.001-05:00

Oh how I miss snow days. Waking up in the morning only to find that all of your plans have been canceled and your only job is to relax, stay warm and enjoy a "bonus" day at home. Luca and I would have loved one today - especially after having two long weekends in a row with the holidays.

But alas, we are an emergency provider here at the food bank so no snow days for us. Apparently they are very rare.

2010?? How'd that happen?

2009-12-29T09:04:00.003-05:00

Wow, I only JUST realized that in three days we'll be in a new DECADE! How'd that happen?

Perhaps I was just busy...

graduating from college.

getting a great job.

meeting Dave.

traveling all over the country with the Wildcats.

being part of a 26-game win streak with a compilation of some of my favorite players of all time.

falling in love.

meeting my "new" family in NY.

saying goodbye to my Papaw.

welcoming nieces Jameson, Alexis and Kaylen and nephews Carson & Christian.

starting a new career in the non-profit world.

getting married. AND having an amazing wedding week filled with love, laughs and Maker's Mark!

buying my first home with my wonderful husband.

finding our perfect puppy child in Forrest.

anticipating the arrival of our wonderful Baby B.

becoming a Mommy.

watching in awe as Luca amazes me daily.

One Word

2009-10-28T14:58:00.002-04:00

1. Where is your cell phone? desk
2. Your hair? Up
3. Your mother? complex
4. Your father? outgoing
5. Your favorite food? mexican
6. Your dream last night? Wild
7. Your favorite drink? maker's
8. Your dream/goal? peace
9. Favorite TV Show? Grey's
10. Your hobby? Laughing
11. Your fear? death
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? PTA!
13. Where were you last night? Target
14. Something that you aren’t? Quiet
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. Wish list item? camera
17. Where did you grow up? everywhere
18. Last thing you did? pump
19. What are you wearing? green
20. Your TV? big
21. Your pets? forrest
22. Friends? best
23. Your life? blissful
24. Your mood? average
25. Missing someone? no
26. Vehicle? messy
27. Something you’re not wearing? contacts (ugh)
28. Your favorite store? Target
29. Your favorite color? Red
30. When was the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? Tuesday
32. Your best friend? Seester
33. One place that I go to over and over? Daycare
34. One person who emails me regularly? Suzie
35. Favorite place to eat? Hacienda!

2009-10-09T13:25:00.001-04:00

Nonsense

2009-09-30T12:34:00.002-04:00

I'm not going to pretend that I've got this whole motherhood thing down pat. I don't. But I'll be damned if this isn't the best thing I've ever wandered aimlessly through. It's hard, so hard, sometimes. Don't get me wrong. It is painful (c-section, first nursing sessions, 4.19.09 - a day that will live in infamy, etc.) and wonderful (every other second but those mentioned above).

I wake up every morning, whether at 3:40 a.m. (last night) or 9:30 a.m. (last Saturday when we were supposed to be racing for the cure but instead enjoyed the great flood of 2009), and I can't wait to see his tiny face. I want to hug him and kiss him and smell his sweet skin. He is, in a word, intoxicating. And I am drunk with love for this tiny person.

Sometimes I feel incredible guilt about being a working mom. Like yesterday, when I calculated that he was at daycare for 11 hours. ELEVEN hours! A coworker said, "You know they don't have a concept of time." Yes, I do know that - BUT I DO! I have a great concept of time. I know that in every minute, I'm missing 60 seconds of his life. Every day I miss countless smiles, laughs, naps, expressions, fussy times before those much-needed naps, dirty diapers and belly kisses.

There are days when I am so jealous of my SAHM friends. They get to see it all. And I know there are days they envy me. But I'm guessing I'm the majority leader on this one.

My son is the most amazing person I've ever made ... I mean met=) He makes these noises and sounds that I long for and even at his worst, he's better than anything. I understand now.

Welcome to Mommy World.

2009-09-10T10:20:00.002-04:00

Okay, so apparently in MommyWorld there is a language barrier for me.

Today's example: Diaper Packaging sizes. There's the mega pack, the jumbo pack, the Big pack, the Extra Large, the Biggie, the Super Mega, the Large, the Value pack, etc. I'm going to need these broken down for me on some type of organizational chart, etc.

Because to me folks, a jumbo pack is NOT 40 diapers. 40 diapers in my house = 5 days. There is nothing JUMBO about that ... well except that a JUMBO pack of Pampers is $9.99 (equaling a quarter per diaper.)

Can't we just have small, medium, large, extra large and "You won't have to go to the store for approximately 8 days"?

Mommy Makeover Starts Today

2009-06-22T12:54:00.003-04:00

Helloooooooo world. My name is Mandy. I'm almost 30 years old, but sometimes I feel 60. I'm tired (and not just because I have a newborn). I'm carrying 50 extra pounds around and I'm not even trying to blame it on the before-mentioned pregnancy and resulting son.

In the spring of 2005 I was at my ideal weight, floating somewhere between 145 and 150 pounds. Though the BMI index says I should weigh no more than 137, I consider that crap. At any rate, though I didn't even see myself as a hottie then, looking back, I can't believe how skinny I was. I pull out the "goal" clothes now and am in awe that my ass fit in them.

Well, I've decided enough is officially enough. I want to feel better. I'm sick of being tired, having an aching back after carrying my 11-pound baby upstairs. I want to feel good about myself and I want to know that my husband and son are proud of me (though I'm sure they love me no matter what.)

I've decided to start Weight Watchers again. I've had limited success in the past because I'm simply too lazy to stick with the plan, write down my points, stay away from Taco Bell and the chinese takeout. But no more. Of course, limited funds due to aforementioned son's diapers and daycare have limited my ability to "splurge" and eat out very much.

But I want to look as good as being his Mom makes me feel. So, starting today, weighing in at 203 pounds, I will turn this thing around. I will not be obese.

Before photo:

Goal Photo:

Spring Cleaning

2009-05-28T16:32:00.002-04:00

I've been doing some spring cleaning during Luca's naps... Found a journal with all the poetry I've ever written tucked inside on scrap papers... Perhaps I'll post a few here...

This was my desperate attempt at a country song I think... Probably circa 2001.

You're taking this too easy.
I thought by now you'd cry
You haven't tried to stop me.
Or even ask me why.

I'm trying to be patient.
And give you time to grieve.
But teh look upon your face
says it's time for me to leave.

I figured you would stop me, tell me everything's alright.
Nwo patiently you tell me, you've lost the will to fight.

CHORUS
Well if you aren't going to stop me
then I'm walking out the door.
You weren't what I had planned on
I'd always wanted more.
Now through the glass I see you
as the rain begins to pour.
I've left no escape route
so I'm walking out the door... yes, I'm walking out the door.

Excuses make us weaker
Resistence makes us stay.
I keep looking for an answer
That says I shouldn't walk away.
Somewhere things changed here.
WEnt from bliss to uncertainty.
I've fought and fumed about us.
I wonder why we didnt' see.

I know that we could fix this if we just held on
But as I see your face so uncaring I know I'm better off gone.

Chorus

Since You've Been Gone

2009-03-02T11:10:00.002-05:00

Okay, since I've been gone. I haven't blogged in almost five months. However, I have been doing the Mama Mandy's Baby Blog at www.wmxl.com during that time, so I think that has to count for something, right?

Although here is the "behind the scenes" blog. The really candid tone you've come to know and love from me. So I'll give you my quick hit list about this pregnancy...

Things I love about being pregnant:
1. Eating
2. not feeling bad about CONSTANTLY being tired.
3. Feeling my baby inside of me moving around (also a bit freaky).
4. Knowing there will be a piece of me & Dave together in the world.
5. Did I mention sleeping?

Things I do NOT love:
1. constipation
2. acid reflux
3. round ligament pain
4. stretch marks (come to think of it, I don't like them any time!)
5. BEING tired all the time.
6. waiting
7. blood tests
8. wearing the same maternity clothes day after day
9. Not being able to lay on my stomach
10. constantly having to pee.

That's the brief foray into my pregnacy world.

We're at t-minus 44 days. AHHHHH.

I'll Be Loving You (Forever) ...

2008-10-09T15:16:00.005-04:00

So, a nearly lifelong dream came true last weekend. After more than 17 years, I was able to see the New Kids on the Block in concert again in Chicago. But that's not the best thing - a friend hooked us up with Sound Check Party passes and we got to meet Joe, Donnie and Danny. Jordan was there, but alas, I was unfufilled in my longing to kiss his lovely face (and yes, it's still LOVELY). But here are some photos of the very special day that will NEVER be forgotten!

Baby Love ...

2008-09-24T12:32:00.003-04:00

Well, it's not news to anyone who reads this blog, but I'm happy to report that I've begun my 12th week of pregnancy today! We're so excited, elated, scared, etc. We were trying, but not for long, so this was a very welcome if not surprising event!

Some days it seems very real to me and some days things seem totally normal. I think I'm starting to feel like myself again, but I still have some pretty groggy and nauseous days. Wierdly enough, I don't hate those days too badly as it makes this pregnancy very real to me. When I feel good and normal, like today, I think "okay, is there really a baby in there?"

But there is... In fact, here is a photo...

We're not finding out the sex, which I think will drive others crazy but won't bother us at all! We just hope for a happy and healthy Baby B!

Here Comes the Son ...

2008-08-21T10:11:00.002-04:00

My brother has a way with making some pretty cute babies - I'm sure you all know. He has three gorgeous daughters and last Thursday he welcomed his first son. He's no exception to the rule - perfect in every way.

I Wish I Was a Baller ...

2008-06-23T10:16:00.001-04:00

A small tribute to two of my favorite friends from UK! They both had birthdays this month - all grown up and raising their own families now. Man I'm old!

Holiday...

2008-06-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

If we took a holiday ... just some time to celebrate...

I only have two real workdays this week, then it's off to Chicago for a conference for work. This should be fun - my first trip to the network headquarters. And, in addition, i get to see my boog! woo!

Then, when I return, I have a week off work! How fun is that? I have about 10 books I want to read during my travels/vacation, but I know I won't. That's just my nature.

I am currently reading sTori Telling by Tori Spelling. It's not exactly intellectual, but just funny. That girl cracks me up.

Since You've Been Gone ...

2008-06-07T11:01:00.002-04:00

18 days until Boog and I are reunited (and it feels so good) ...

It's All Coming Back ...

2008-06-07T10:54:00.003-04:00

Here's a photo review of recent times....

Dave and Lexy walking Forrest ...

Grant at the EKU Baseball game...

The Sunday Night Supper Girls at Paul & Suzie's Going Away Party ...

Cool It Now ...

2008-06-07T10:52:00.001-04:00

WE HAVE AIR CONDITIONING!

Happy Birthday to you...

2008-06-06T15:42:00.002-04:00

My wacky niece Jameson is 7 today! Shout out to the Hopper!

Finally ...

2008-06-06T15:37:00.001-04:00

Sweet baby Cole has arrived. My good friend welcomed her sweet baby boy this week. She's waited a very long time to be blessed with another child. And Grant is a big brother. Is there anything sweeter?

You Wanna Make a Memory?

2008-05-27T19:17:00.002-04:00

Okay, again, a stretch with the title, but I wanted to blog about my great and relaxing Memorial Day weekend!

Three and a half days of good quality time with my husband was much overdue. He's been working pretty much non-stop since taking his new job in December. So, to have a great, long weekend with perfect weather and nothing to do was quite the treat.

(Since nothing in my life comes without a disclaimer, I will say that I was originally supposed to spend the long weekend in St. Louis with my sister and my little sister. But, CLRW backed out and with gas costing a small fortune, I couldn't see spending 200 bucks to go to STL alone. Though it breaks my heart that I missed the Donut Crawl and the completion of the party patio!)

So, back to the happy things of the weekend. My brother's youngest daughter turned 4 on Saturday, so we had a fun time at Chuck E. Cheese. But first we had breakfast and trolled around some yard sales where I scored a great tennis racket for $5, two seasons of the Gilmore Girls on DVD for $10 total and some Babysitter's Club books for the nieces for $5 (12 books!!). I love yard sales!

We hit the Farmer's Market for the first time all year. Love, love, love the Farmer's Market. As much for people and puppy watching as for the great veggies and local products. There was a new pet bakery selling vittles, so Sir Forrest got some Beef N Cheese treats!

Sunday we went hiking at a local nature sanctuary. We busted out about 3.5 miles and I think I barely complained (I'm really bad at things that are very hard like that!) We even ventured off the trail and up a creek bed for a few hundred feet before I missed a rock and got my foot soaking wet. DB kept telling me I'd get trench foot. I have no idea what trench foot is, but it sounds horrid and it was the last thing I wanted to hear about in the middle of the woods two miles from my car!

We had a fun cookout with friends on Sunday night and worked in the yard all day Monday. Though I love being a homeowner, I HATE weeding my flowerbeds. I do however, feel very joyful when the yard work is done and there is a great sense of accomplishment - for a day or so!

Last night, I whipped up a great Chicken Carbonara for friends and we played some serious cards - one of my favorite get-together activities. I did not win, but I played pretty daggone good if I do say so.

So, there it is. An ordinary weekend that somehow molded into some pretty great memories. There's something to be said for this marriage thing, by the way. You would think after nearly seven years together that being together for 72 straight hours would get old, stale. But several times this weekend, I found myself looking at DB and thinking how lucky I am. He's quite simply a terrific man, a fantastic friend, a fun companion and a true gift.

Something's Gotta Give

2008-05-21T13:00:00.004-04:00

What to name a blog that is going to be depressing but necessary to vent???

Sometimes it feels someone is just bound and determined to derail the train in my family ... that, heaven forbid, things go smoothly for too long without things going wrong. Not just one thing... it's never just one thing.

My mother, who has been fighting breast cancer since November 2006, was recently dismissed from her job. This is due in large part to her psychotic boss who is the most Dr. Jekkyl/Mrs. Hyde employer ever. Granted, I'm sure my mother made some mistakes in her nine years there, but I also think this woman has been out to get her for some time. So, while she was on medical leave last month for yet another surgery on her breast, she was dismissed.

So, we regrouped and decided it would be best for her to move back to our hometown. She can be closer to her ailing parents and the cost of living is significantly cheaper. Then today, she is informed that her claim for unemployment has been denied. DENIED! So, next week, my mother receives her final paycheck and then will have no health insurance and no income. Now what? Lord, please tell me, now WHAT?

And then there's the little problem I've blogged about recently with another family member who is going through a very trying time. To add insult to injury, I'm not currently on good terms with said family member. Perhaps because I was honest with my opinions and unsolicited advice. Perhaps because I'm self-righteous, obnoxious and overbearing. Either way, this person is heartbroken and scared and I can do nothing. Except pray that things get better and their life improves.

You see, letting go and letting God is not one of my strong suits. I don't like problems I can't fix. My sister and I were discussing this one day recently. I don't like to be out of control. If there is a tangible problem that has a solution, I'm your girl. But if sitting back and waiting for things to "work out" is the option - I can't do it. I have no patience and I hate feeling useless. I'm a doer. I see something wrong and I do what can be done to fix it.

But what can I do now?

The End of the Road ...

2008-05-06T14:14:00.004-04:00

Well, after 11 months, my RCIA journey has come to a close (almost). Last night was our final class meeting and Saturday is the Neophyte Mass at the cathedral with the Bishop. Then I guess, I'm just a regular Catholic.

It will be strange to not go to church every Monday night from now on. I've been doing that since last June pretty much. Not that I'm complaining. I've told many people along the way who have questioned the great time commitment this process has taken that I actually love the fact that so much is required to join the church.

I've always been a tad mystified by how easy it is to "join" a church. When I was attending a Methodist church back home, it was a simple as coming to the alter, saying you believe in God and then you were a member. However, with membership came a whole set of "beliefs" of the church that a person joining never really knew about.

Granted, believing in God is what matters - that I don't argue. But I honestly believe that I never really knew or grasped all of the teachings of the Bible and church before I went through this process. I've learned more about Jesus' teachings, how to read, understand and apply the Bible to my life, and so much more.

But what I have not discovered or have not become is a person who believes that my choice of religion is the only choice. That my decision about where to persue and nurture my faith is the "right" place.

I just believe I've found a spiritual home - one where I feel at peace, at home and where I feel that I can become involved and appreciated.

And it only took me a year to figure all that out - or 28.5!

Summertime...

2008-04-29T10:39:00.001-04:00

We have done something amazing. We've scheduled a real-deal vacation for this summer. We're going to the beach with our best friends and no one else. We're going to spend one full week doing nothing but what we want. We're going to play in the ocean, lay on the sand, cook out, play cards and relax.

In the time that I've known my husband we have done something like this just one time - our honeymoon. With our family being all over, we just don't feel like we have the luxury of taking time away without going to visit someone - his parents, my sister, his sister. So, this is a real treat for us.

Of course, it's two months away. So that gives me two months to get ready for the beach. I've lost about eight pounds this month, which is very encouraging. That's all been through eating right - now I'm going to get back into working out to help accelerate and accentuate.

Family Portrait ...

2008-04-14T10:30:00.001-04:00

Here are some lyrics of a song that has touched my heart ...

"You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family"

Someone very dear to me is going through a personal crisis. And it breaks my heart. Because history is repeating itself. History that tore us all down, broke our hearts, made us doubt love, made us hard to love, made it hard to trust. Now it's happening again and I can't stop it. I can't learn a lesson for someone else. All I can do is sit back and watch it unfold. Praying it won't turn out the same way - or worse.

Rain, Rain, Go Away...

2008-04-09T17:36:00.002-04:00

The weather here has been fantastic these last few days. Until now. Today has been a cloudy, gloomy day, a foreshadowing of the next week I fear. They are forecasting rain until next Tuesday. Boo.

I did however have a very productive day outside on Sunday - potted plants, cleaned the flowerbeds up, mowed, hung the hammock, went for a walk, took Puppy and little niece to the park, then we grilled out for dinner - a perfect day. But I missed my husband. He's working quite a bit these days and is pretty exhausted when he gets home after 800 consecutive 13-hour days (it's not really 800, but it feels like that!).

I find I'm far more productive when it's sunny. I like to get things done, both inside and outside. I take better care of myself and enjoy life more. I wonder if I can keep the streak alive despite the impending storms. Can I tackle the laundry, plan a menu for a baby shower, write some letters, balance my checkbook and clean up my bedroom before bed tonight? Considering I work until 8 p.m., that could be tricky.

Thank You for Being a Friend ...

2008-04-01T09:39:00.003-04:00

Today is a sad, sad day. I have lost a beloved friend and Kentucky has lost a legend. William Bond Keightley passed away Monday at the age of 81 years old. He was doing what he loved - heading to opening day for the Reds with all of his good buddies on the "party bus." He went quickly, as I had always hoped he would.

Words cannot describe my love for this man. He was a friend, a mentor and a part of the fabric of my life. He was as wise as he was witty. He believed in hard work, trusted friendships, loyalty and love. He was the biggest cheerleader of the young men that have come through the UK program over the years. He was the same for me. He believed in me and was so happy for me when I was hired full-time to work with the team. He made a special effort to always include me. For a long time, he told me that the only reason they ever ordered mediums in gear was for me - M means Mandy!

He loved Kentucky and he loved the athletes and coaches he worked with and for. His devotion to the program is unmatched and his place will never be filled. On that bench or in my heart.

All By Myself...

2008-03-27T14:29:00.002-04:00

Okay, the title might be a stretch for today's topic, but I think it's fitting.

Today's pet peeve is as follows. My office is located on the upper floor of our little building. I am the first office on my end of the hallway. When you reach the top of the stairs, the bathrooms are to the left and the lunchroom is on the right. The work room is straight ahead and if you make a left there, I'm the first door on the right (important visuals).

So, I get to hear most of the lunchroom noise everyday. This includes the early bird crowd at 11:30, who are usually quiet - there's Jack the crossword worker and Barb the silent eater. Then, the big crew rolls in. Most of them partake in social conversation, some of them dominate that conversation with stories no one wants to hear. We share the paper, make comments on things that seem interesting, etc. I would guess it to be normal workplace lunchroom talk.

After that, the warehouse staff who have been out driving alternate lunch. At some point in the day, the operations folks pop in for lunch. At that point, there is usually just one or maybe two people in there at a time.

Here's the peeve part. I understand that you are alone in that room enjoying your lunch - really I do. But you are not, i repeat ARE NOT, in the cone of safety or silence in there. When you finish your meal, push back from the table and let that BIG, OBNOXIOUS BELCH.... I CAN HEAR YOU!

We've only just begun...

2008-03-26T09:05:00.002-04:00

It's happened. I'm officially Catholic. (Hold your applause!) I came into full communion with the church at Easter Vigil Saturday night and now I'm a neophyte (like a tadpole I think!)

The service was very moving and euphoric. I feel like I'm on cloud nine now. Perhaps it is the magic of receiving eucharist after waiting so long. Or perhaps it is the joy and pleasure of seeing something through over a long period of time and knowing the outcome is eternal.

Father John spoke to us about stewardship on Monday night but he was also interested to hear our thoughts on Saturday evening's service. He talked about how our enthusiasm at this point is very invigorating for the entire parish. And then he said something that just made me smile - "Welcome to the start of the rest of your life." (I'm paraphrasing. I can't remember his exact words, but they were awesome!)

I think he's right. I'm certainly a new person. I know the same is true for Tina, Roxy, Jason and Taylor. They were baptized and you could see the joy on their faces as they emerged from the water. They truly "put on God."

P.S. I'm normally not this outspoken about my spirituality. One of the things I really enjoy most about the Catholic church is that you can keep your worship and praise a bit more private. But I truly want to scream about how happy I am!

Holy, Holy, Holy...

2008-03-17T09:23:00.002-04:00

Well, it's here. Holy Week has arrived. Yesterday was Palm Sunday and I'm pleased to inform everyone that I learned how to make a cross out of my palm branches!

This week will be very exciting and very busy. We have our Sedar meal at church tonight - it's a Jewish tradition and Julie's dad is leading us. Then tomorrow and Wednesday will be spent preparing for the in-law's to arrive! I have Holy Thursday mass and then they will be here. We're going to try to get to Richmond on Friday before Good Friday mass and then hopefully enjoy some pasta after a day of fasting. Saturday morning I have rehearsal for Vigil, then it's the main event!!

I'm getting very excited and nervous about Saturday. I always get really nervous about the monumental events in my life. Graduations, interviews, the wedding, becoming Catholic.

I'm also excited for the in-laws to visit. They haven't seen our home since we moved in, so I'm anxious for that! And my sister is coming too. Always a welcomed treat! With all the family drama going on, it's nice to have her all alone!!!

Eye of the Tiger

2008-03-07T10:23:00.006-05:00

6776 Tiger Drive, Huber Heights, OH

First, let me just state that this house didn't not look this ghetto when we lived there. There was no wierd fence with tires and hubcaps on it oiut front and the fence was in better repair.

This was our first house in Huber Heights and our first single-family dwelling following the divorce and subsequent move to Ohio. We lived here in fifth grade. That's when I went to Valley Forge Elementary.

We don't do that at Valley Forge!

I had my own room again after sharing with Brian on Miami Boulevard (more on that later.). This is where we lived when Brian broke my foot and I lied and covered it up (for three years no less). This is the scene of the great "strawberry slimfast incident of 1990." When we lived here, Brian forgot his key all the time. One time he tried to enter through the window on the right of the photo here by taking it off the tracks (something he had done before). Well, he dropped the window into the house. Broke the window and a pink depression glass bowl mom had on the dining room table in front of the window. Awwwww, snap. Hell to pay.

I got my first bra when we lived here. For Christmas. I hid it under the tree skirt once I opened it, but Brian found it and went running through the house with it yelling "Mandy has a bra!!!" So yes, I also got the lovely things that fill a bra here.

All the streets in this neighborhood were after cat breeds. Tabby, Calico, Siamese, Persian. Very funny. And then, on the main drag outside our neighborhood, there were apartment complexes named after the days of the week. My best friend Shalen lived in the Monday apartments I think.

We walked to school (well, Shalen and I did). I was a crossing guard too. That was fun times! While at Valley Forge, we had the wierdest music teacher. I was named the 1990 Valley Forge Elementary Outstanding Young Musician. Rock on!

Mr. Bennett was our fifth grade teacher. Had to go to the principal's office once because the boys in our class started snapping our bra straps in the hall. We all had to go down there.

Vivid memories of my brother dangling my blankie over the open washing machine here too. That was his torture mechanism. He'd wait till I got it all perfectly smellygood and then throw it in the washer. To further pain me, he would dangle it and hold me back with the other arm. Mean.

Baby, Let's Play House...

2008-03-04T09:27:00.002-05:00

7640 Rustic Woods Drive

I've spent some time lately thinking of all the places I've lived... there are quite a few. Sometimes when I tell people the number I'm not certain they believe me. And as I get further from these homes, these chapters in my story, I am starting to forget them as they were. The snapshot of this time of my life has begun to fade.

So, in an effort to forever capture the memories of each place I've lived, I'm trying to obtain photos of each place we called home along the way. My sister was able to help me out during our recent trip to the Dayton area for a cousin's wedding. She snapped four on her way back to St. Louis.

I'm starting with the home above. Today's blog title is a tribute to the overriding memory of this home - Ed Schaefer. Ed was my mom's mostly friend whom we lived with on Rustic Woods for about a year (I think). More on Ed himself as we progress, but Ed loved Elvis and it turns out the King recorded a song called Baby, Let's Play House, which you'll find out perfectly fits our time in this home.

Rustic Woods. Post Mt. Ranier, Pre Englewood (Main St. #1). (It will all make sense when I can compile and post the complete list.) Nicer neighborhood than any of the previous Huber Heights locations. Same neighborhood as my best friend Rana.

The house was bigger than any we'd lived in since the divorce too. To me it seemed like a mansion, but looking back, it was just a 3 bedroom home with a living room AND family room. I'm not really sure how we came to live at Mt. Ranier. Did it just work out that way? I know that it stemmed from Ed's love for my mom and his love for our family.

Ed Shaefer. I was the daughter he never had. He was the father I didn't want. At least then. Looking back, I wish I hadn't felt that way. Looking back, I don't. Ed was terrific. He loved my mom endlessly. But she didn't love him. Not like that. He was a friend, but she wasn't attracted to him. She was still in love with my dad. Still hoping he'd come back. And letting herself fall for Ed would mean that the door would have been closed if he ever did.

Ed was a big guy with red hair and a mustache. He had a son I remember, a son he didn't have much contact with or didn't know about until he was several years old. I'm not sure of the entire story. But Ed was made to be a dad. Ed in his white S-10 pickup. At this point in my life, my brother was back and forth between my dad's house and ours. Much of the time, it was me, Mom and Ed. Riding in that truck.

Ed was an Elvis fanatic. He probably didn't believe it, but loved the rumors that Elvis was alive and well and was spotted in some Burger King in mid-America. He had a very nice mother too.

Back to Rustic Woods. Mom's room was in the dining room. We put up a curtain. Ed's room was on the right side of the house behind the garage. It was huge and had its own bathroom. The kitchen was open in to the family room. I remember it being dark and rustic like (ha, like the street.) There was a sliding glass door to the backyard (which i have very little recollection of by the way).

Off the family room was a hallway to our rooms. My room was the first door on the right. I shared it with my sister when she was home for the summer. It had red (fire engine) carpet. We had bunkbeds - me on top, her on bottom. She had a Tears for Fears poster over her bed. Sowing the Seeds of Love. There was a dresser and maybe a desk too.

Brian's room was the next door. Blue carpet, huge bedroom. Pissed me off to no end that he got the big room all to his self and we had to share the small room with the ugly red carpet. Our shared bathroom was at the dead end of the hallway, I believe just to the right of the window on the left of this photo.

This is the home where I watched Brenda and Dylan consummate their relationship after the spring dance. That was I believe the night we were moving out to Englewood. I remember packing and watching.

This was where Ed got mad one night and threw his dinner plate on the floor by his chair. Mom was mad too and wouldn't clean it up. She wouldn't let us clean it up. She wanted to teach him a lesson. So there his dinner sat in the floor for at least a day. Maybe longer.

The summer my sister was home, she worked at McDonald's. She opened in the mornings. She woke up before daylight and was gone. And she was usually back in bed before my brother and I woke up. (We're sleepers!) She'd bring home things from work, usually the salads they hadn't used the day before. We also lived pretty close to the Long John Silver's in town. We'd gather our change and send my brother up on his bike to buy some crispins. Fried crap, mmmmm.

I remember a fight with mom here on Valentine's Day. There's a photo somewhere, a polaroid of me standing in front of the bathroom door in my nightgown after this fight. Not sure why it was a photo opportunity but that seems par for the course. The fight was about Dad - most of them were. I loved him too much. We shouldn't love him. He left us. Why did we still love him after all he'd done to us?

I'm sure there's more. But that exhausted me.

It Takes a Little Time Sometimes

2008-02-12T14:32:00.000-05:00

So last night it started snowing -and snowing pretty good I might add. Then, the freezing rain came. I had RCIA last night and was really mad about the fact that people don't stop pulling out into traffic when they clearly can't make it through an intersection. Therefore, they block the intersection for all of those who are going straight on our road. So, it took me literally 15 minutes to get about 300 feet.

So i was 15 minutes late for class and already worked up about it. I pull into the snowy parking lot at church to discover that I am the only one here. Then, my husband pulls in. I assume that he's going to tell me that he got a call (I realized at the traffic backup that I had no cell phone with me in the snowstorm). But no, he had arrived on time and waited but no one showed up. He saw me coming into church and pulled a u-turn to tell me his discovery. So, I call my sponsor, no answer. I go to the door of the church, no one there. I call my phone from his phone, no messages.

so, we drive back home in the snow and rain and there are no messages. Nothing on the tv closings, nothing on the church website. I finally get a hold of one of the teachers, and she confirms that class had been canceled and "everyone had been called."

I disagree.

Tommy, Can You Hear Me?

2008-01-29T17:46:00.000-05:00

I realized this afternoon that I have no idea who, if anyone, reads this blog. Besides you, SuFuBu. I know you're out there! =)

So, if you're out there, leave a comment so I'll have a clue who even knows this blog exists. I mean how am I ever going to get offered the chance to write my autobiography or a major motion picture screen play if no one is reading my fine little pieces of work?

Country Roads Take Me Home

2008-01-29T14:29:00.000-05:00

One of the great things about my job is the pure lack of travel. For nine years, I spent the majority of my weekends on airplanes, buses and in rental cars all over America, though mostly the Southeast. Some weeks would be three nights in a hotel, some weeks just one, and others were a whole week gone, two days home and then on the road again.

So to say that I found the idea of sleeping in my own bed every night appealing would be an understatement. However, for the first time in my 20 months here, I am embarking on a pretty rigorous travel schedule all over our service area. It's not rigorous in the sense that I'll be gone overnight or am traveling to Arizona, but rigorous in the sense that country roads in Kentucky are not always the easiest to manipulate - especially on a strict schedule.

As we travel along the backroads and byways of this great and beautiful Commonwealth (though not particularly pretty this time of the year), I should do so with gratitude that even my farthest travels with this position don't dominate my schedule, interupt my life, compromise my friendships and relationships or force me to make decisions between career and family.

Things I Would Do...

2008-01-15T18:29:00.000-05:00

Five things on my mind to work on right now...

1. Having "Financial Peace." I'm reading the book by Dave Ramsay right now and really see the light about working on paying off debt. The unnecessary credit card balance I love to carry, the final $500 of my last student loan and so on.

2. Reading more. I need to carve more time in my schedule for some relaxed reading. Seems like this would be easy considering that my favorite shows are on indefinite hiatus due to the writer's strike.

3. Weight loss. I can't keep looking at this so dramatically. No more "I need to lose 50 pounds by such and such date" or "I'm a failure if I eat the slice of pizza." I have a goal to lose 30 pounds by June 25. That's 30 pounds in 162 days. That's 1.3 pounds per week. That's .18 pounds per day. That's doable. Anything more is a bonus.

4. Begin journaling again. I used to be much better (albeit not great) at keeping a consistent journal. Not always of mind-blowing revelations, but some time of release.

5. I will be more active - in my relationships, in my physical life, in my spiritual life. I want to be an active friend, wife, parishoner, person.

The Closer You Get...

2008-01-15T17:54:00.000-05:00

Well, the Christmas season has come and gone and we are now entering the final weeks of my RCIA process. In just 67 short days, I will be confirmed and come into full communion with the Catholic church. It's amazing that a process that seemed so long and involved to me at the onset has gone by so quickly.

I'm growing more and more excited about my first communion. I am certain it isn't meant to, but this process has made me feel as though I'm missing out on that closeness with God by not taking communion. I've always enjoyed that time in any church I've attended. However, this process has made me realize the sheer importance of that act and what it truly means. I'm certain that my first communion (in really more than 18 months) will be special and touching.

Having said that, there are some parts of the coming weeks that bring aprehension and anxiety. The Rite of Reconciliation (confession) is a daunting day on my calendar. I think it's mostly the fear of the unknown, but also the face-to-face contact with the priest while letting go of your most deep-seeded regrets and shortcomings. Though I hope it will be freeing. They say the Catholics carry so much guilt, but I find they also give the most opportunity to free yourself of that guilt.

I believe I have chosen my confirmation name. I still have two names on my list, but I think I am leaning more toward one than the other. I hope it will mean as much to those who also share it as they do to me.

So, as I look forward to all that is ahead in the coming days, I am hopeful and prayerful that God will continue to show me the path I need to be on and hold my hand through this emotional, difficult, and enlightening time.

Why Not Me?

2008-01-08T09:28:00.000-05:00

1. I have come to realize that my butt: is what it is. It's inherited and it's mine. It may get a bit smaller and a bit larger, but it is what it is!

2. I have come to realize that when I talk: It's usually too much.

3. I have come to realize that I need: discipline.

4. I have come to realize that I lost: my mind at my last job.

5. I have come to realize that I hate it when: my husband is away.

6. I have come to realize that marriage:is far more fun and fulfilling than I ever imagined it to be. I have this incredible partner to share my life with.

7. I have come to realize that work: is something I need to be more enthusiastic about. I put a lot of time into my preparation to be a professional and I shouldn't sell my self short because of laziness.

8. I have come to realize that I will always be: the girl who has a blankie. And I will not be apologetic about it.

9. I have come to realize that I like: how I feel after I work out. It's getting there that's tough.

10. I have come to realize that the last time I cried: was just like most of the times in my life. Brought on by family drama and pretty much useless in the end.

11. I have come to realize that my cell phone is: not something I'm required by law to answer. Just because someone calls, doesn't mean I have to answer. I am allowed to be "out of pocket" whenever I feel like it!

12. I have come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I like to feel close to my husband.

13. I am currently thinking about: what a busy day I have!

14. I have come to realize that babies: are something that will be more prevelent to me this year.

15. I have come to realize that when I get on Myspace: It fills the need I have to stay connected to the different parts of my life. After moving and changing schools countless times, MySpace is amazingly helpful in reconnecting with people who had an important influence on my life.

16. I have come to realize that today I will:get a new dishwasher - FINALLY!

17. I have come to realize that tonight I will: spend some quality time with my husband as he'll be away for several days.

18. I have come to realize that tomorrow I will: get back into the grind of working late with volutneers.

19. I have come to realize that I really want to: lose this weight.

20. I have come to realize that true friends: make life worthwhile!

21. I have come to realize that the person who might repost this is: someone just like me.

22. What bill do you hate paying the most?Car taxes. What a poor way to end your birthday month!

23. Where's the best place to eat a romantic dinner? at home.

24. Name of your first grade teacher? Mary Ann Stahl Kasubke. Was and still is a very very important person in my life. Not many folks can say that I'm certain.

25. What do you really want to be doing right now? Reading a book, sipping some coffee and cuddling.

26. What did you want to be when you were growing up? a first-grade teacher (see above)

27. How many colleges did you attend? 2 (UK and community college one summer)

28. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now? Because I hate all of my clothes and there was a good chance I could wear this sweater of my husbands and get it back in his closet before he notices.

29. GAS PRICES First thought? no need to bitch - we're a society that depends on our automobiles - we'll pay whatever they ask. And they know that.

30. If you could visit anywhere and take someone with you where? Hawaii with DB.

31. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?No no no.

32. Last thought before going to sleep last night? It sure is nice to cuddle.

33. What errand/chore do you despise? Cleaning the bathrooms.

34. If you didn't have to work, would you volunteer at an art gallery? No, but I would volunteer somewhere.

35. Get up early or sleep in?Sleep in.

36. What is your favorite cartoon character? Smurfs!

37. Are you planning on remaining in your current field?Yes

38. Do you see yourself married in the next five years? Well, yes.

39. Your favorite lunch meat? Turkey

40. What do you get every time you go into a WalMart? stupid stuff I don't need. Usually in the HBA (Health & Beauty Aids people!) section.

41. Beach or lake? beach.

42. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? No.

43. TV show you miss? Sex & the City, 90210 and these days, Grey's because of the wri ter's strike. I think Thursday is hte last new episode that's been taped.

44. Favorite guilty pleasure? Trash magazines and Mt. Dew/.

45. Favorite movie you wouldn't want anyone to find out about? I really wouldn't care but it's probably Footloose!

46. What's your drink?Makers & Diet

47. Cowboys or Indians?Cowboys.

48. Cops or Robbers?Cops.

49. Do you cheer for the bad guy in a movie?No.

50. What Hollywood star do you think resembles you best?I hear Kathy Najimy the most and then a famous boybander once told me Rachel Leigh Cook (but I don't think so)

NAJIMY ME COOK

51. What do you want when you are sick? my bed.

52. Who from high school would you like to run into? I see the ones I want to.

53. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?106.3

54. Worst mistake that you wish you could take back? No comment.

55. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?Neisha on Mondays and Wednesdays.

56. What famous person would you like to have dinner with? Bill Clinton

57. What is the best gift you have ever received? My engagement ring!

58. Have you ever had to use a firearm? no

59. Last book you read? Reading Atonement

60. Do you have a teddy bear?not anymore

61. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? shower?

62. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? that forest

63. Number of texts in a day? only a few

64. If you had to choose- would you start a new career or relationship? neither.

65. Favorite Winter Olympic Sport? figure skating

66. Pencil or pen?Pen, blue ink

67. Ancient Egyptians or Mayans? um, neither?

68. How many jobs have you had? 6.

69. Are you where you thought you would be at this age? Yes and no!

Music... Makes the People...Come Together

2007-12-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

From Musical Memoirshttp://musicmemoirs.blogdrive.com/
This week it's word association again. You tell us the first artist/song/album that comes to mind when you see these words:

Icy - Celine Dion seems a bit Icy to me - and come to think of it, that song from Titanic... we all know how icy that turned out.
Dark - Sunglasses at Night.
End - End of the Road - Boyz II Men - Classic. Vintage 8th grade.
December - A Long December - counting crows - great tune.
Flake - Let it Snow (and I think we're getting our first snow of the year as I type this).
Duet - Endless Love
Beat - Turn the Beat Around (Love to hear percussion) - Love me some Gloria Estefan - that song's on my 30 min workout playlist.
Stress - holiday music in the stores. wears me out.
Harmony - mmm, any boyz II men - great harmony.
New - Just hear the new BSB song on the radio - don't think I love it.

A Long Trip Alone....

2007-11-27T19:39:00.000-05:00

Well, our voyage to NY has concluded. We pulled out of "the Rock" at 11:30 p.m. tuesday night and arrived in PV, NY on Wednesday at 12:35 p.m. It was the single longest drive of my life. I'm glad we arrived safely and with all bladders still in tact. I guess I'm hardcore, but I think the van should only stop three times on a trip that is supposed to take 11 hours. But we stopped like 5 or 6 times. Ugh.

Great to see the in-laws and really enjoyed NYC. However, as it always does, family drama overshadowed even a planned "quiet" trip to visit the family. I'm not sure that I can handle much more. I sat there Saturday night, preparing for another long journey home and just thought, "I'm done." i dont' have the fight in me anymore to argue and try to help and just feel like I'm being lied to over and over again.

i'm going back to therapy. I have no choice. the only think I can control about the situation is me and I am certain that I'm not handling myself right. Not that I'm getting pushed around, but I'm just not happy with how the drama makes me feel. Make sense?

so happy to see the puppy again. He made my heart smile. but then I quickly realized that he's mad at us. Seemed totally pissy with me in the car. But whatever. I'm happy he's home. I'm happy i'm home.

Four weeks until christmas. i'm ready. Have no idea what I'm doing or where I'll be, but I'm ready. Just a few more gifts to buy!

When the Lights Go Down...

2007-11-06T12:17:00.000-05:00

So we returned from RCIA last night to total darkness. It seems a tree decided to commit suicide in our neighborhood during the storm last night, whilst murdering a somewhat important power line in the process.

So no power. And from 5 p.m. til at least 7 a.m. Not sure if it's even back on yet.

Speaking of turning off the power. I wish I could turn off the power on a coworker. Or just tweak the programming so that this person will STOP finishing my sentences.

Urgh.

Wild Boys...

2007-10-30T19:15:00.001-04:00

The other man in my life.

Fever

2007-10-30T19:05:00.000-04:00

and NOT in a good way.

I'm sick. not in that bad hurting throat way, but in the really stuffed up way. I guess I'd prefer this to the former, but either way, I look like I feel - crappy. I actually came to work for two consecutive days with no makeup on. Ugh. Must fix that tomorrow.

I prayed my first rosary Sunday night. It was hard, but somehow very soothing. Meditative I suppose. I'm not the best prayer, so I suppose it's good to have a set pattern to follow in that sense. I am becoming anxious about recociliation (confession to the layperson). I mean, I can't remember EVERYTHING I've ever done wrong. But I guess I can't forget the big stuff either.

The husband might be getting a new job. Would be a blessing to our house as he's been professionally frustrated for a while. However, it will cause us to shuffle our exciting holiday plans, I fear. I'm not sure what will happen with the National Lampoon's Thanksgiving Vacation now.

The brother is going through a rough time. Seems that while his divorce is of course hard, there are bigger issues to face in his life. All I can do is pray that all works out for the best and that my nieces are in the best possible environment.

I'm tired. And fat. And clearly losing the Littlest Sister Shrinkdown 2007. Need motivation. As if wearing the same four pairs of dress pants that I can still fit my fat ass into every week isn't motivation enough. I mean, honestly, how many times can I eat until I feel sick. You'd think there'd be a limit, but not so much.

Wake Up, A Little Susie... (Shout out for the quiz).

2007-10-29T21:45:00.000-04:00

1. What did you eat for dinner yesterday?broccoli cheese soup and garlic bread. I'm a little under the weather, so it was great!

2. How much cash is in your purse/wallet right now?not a penny I'd bet.

3. What have you done to avoid being flirted with by someone you didn't like?been oblivious. Ususally does it.

4. Do you believe the theory "Once a cheater always a cheater"? Simply, no.

5. Describe your sex life in two words: not today.

6. What is one thing that you wanted to do this summer but didn't?swim - all summer!

7. If you lived a hundred years ago, what job would you've had?A wife and mother.

Welcome to the Jungle

2007-10-15T15:25:00.000-04:00

Yesterday morning at Mass was my Rite of Welcome. Turns out going into it that I didn't really realize what all that entailed. But I guess it's the official start of my journey through RCIA. I asked our teachers if that meant we'd been unwelcome for the last three months of class. No one thought that was as funny as I did.

After the homily, we break out to a seperate room to "Break Open the Word". Well, at this point, some people got pretty vocal about their dissatisfaction in the general content of our classes. It was a bit surprising, though I agreed with them on many points. I thought RCIA would be more "Catholicism 101" and less scripture reading and discussion. One lady called it a "glorified bible study." I was waiting for lighting to strike her, or all of us. I guess we'll see how class goes tonight. Father John is teaching, so I'm sure everyone will be on their best behavior.

In other news, Lexy visited this weekend. What a funny kid - she's totally in love with her dad and it makes me smile.

And I never posted regarding my trip to see Rick Springfield - I don't think anyway. I'm inserting a photo...this man is hot! And 58!

You Drive Me Crazy ...

2007-09-26T16:42:00.000-04:00

I'm not certain why people have to be so selfish and rude. Why if you have a problem with something do you have to complain to everyone except the person you know to be responsible? I work at a non-profit - generally thought of as a giving and caring organization. Despite this, I work with some pretty backward folks.

Speaking of going crazy, I had the worst migraine of my life yesterday. Had to go to the Dr. where she administered a pill that knocked me out at her office. She also tried accupuncture on me - not sure what that did, but at that time, I would have tried anything.

I still have to catch up on my DWTS from last night, but the women were quite encouraging on Monday. Love me some Jennie Garth. And the Cheetah Girl was good, but again, how much of a stretch is it for someone that's been in a music group and dancing?? Same thing with Mel B from the Spice Girls. I also thought the older ladies - Jane Seymour and Marie Osmond - were classy and top notch.

I'll get back on my thoughts on the men.

Cool It Now...

2007-09-13T09:37:00.000-04:00

So it's finally starting to cool down and I love it. If you know me, it should come as no surprise that I'm a HUGE fan of Autumn. It's the best season - want proof? It has TWO names, Fall and Autumn. Fantastic. I love all of fall, leaves crunching, sweatshirt weather, apples and cider and foddershocks and football. Yummmmmy.

I've embarked on a weight loss challenge with Seester and Leester. The person who loses the largest percentage of weight by Nov. 23 receives $50 from the two losers. Let's say that my planned trip to the Mexican buffet for lunch will set me back a tad. But, I actually ran at the gym on Tuesday. It's a start.

Reflections of... the way life used to be.

2007-09-06T18:54:00.000-04:00

So I'm at work today and a coworker keeps going on and on about her disdain for MySpace. I was intrigued - mostly because I'm an avid MySpacer. She said that she thought we (adults with spouses, children, homes, etc.) were too old for it. I begged to differ.

You see, here's the thing - when you've moved as much as me, you've met an incredible amount of people. And you've also had no choice to form quick bonds with new friends. I have had a best friend everywhere I've moved growing up and I pride myself on my ability to keep in touch with all of the important people in my life. In fact, it drives me nuts wondering about where long lost friends are and how their lives have turned out. Mostly because in some way or another they represent so much of my life.

Take my best friend in Missouri for instance. I was devastated when we moved away from there- hence the title of my blog. It was home for me - where my earliest, most vivid memories were formed. Gutter racing with the Neale's, chickening out on the big hills at the BMX track, learning to ice skate on the neighborhood pond, hearing the sounds of the soldiers at the military academy, starting school, sleeping over at friends houses, etc. This is where Jennifer Miller came in. She was my first best friend - at least by my choice (we all have those babyhood play friends). She was fun and she lived on a farm and had a cooler older sister who my brother practically stalked.

JM and I kept in touch for a while after we moved to Ohio and I was even invited to her wedding the summer after my freshman year of college, but I can't seem to find her. With the 10th anniversary since our graduation having just passed, I was sure I'd be able to find her through that high school's reunion, but no one seemed to have her contact info. It drives me batty.

But regardless, I'm the dork that keeps in touch. I still talk to my first grade teacher and my third grade teacher. In fact I had lunch with them a few summers ago on a visit to the old hometown. We exchange Christmas cards and emails and I love that. Talk about two women who shaped my life - I idolized them. Not to mention they were a shelter during a very stormy time in my life.

I still email and write to my bff from Ohio. And hell, we hated each other for a while in middle school. But I can't imagine my life without her. She's the one I watched practically every episode of 90210 with for three years. We watched Footloose every day after school for a month straight. We were introduced to Garth Brooks together - making her forever my "Friend in Low Places." Sure we don't talk as much as we should, but when her infant son passed away from SIDS a few years ago, she made sure her dad called to tell me. And when I sat down at my wedding to grab a bite to eat, hers was the first hand that tapped my shoulder.

So, I don't find MySpace all that wierd. It's made for people like me. Of course its also very popular with the pedophiles and freaks, but it's made for folks like me. I don't need help finding the folks that are entwined in my every day life, but every now and again, don't you find yourself wondering - where did that Sara Necessary from third grade end up? I do. (And if you are indeed, Sara Necessary - send me a note! I loved that you lived behind Hardee's!

Here I Go Again... (ala Whitesnake)

2007-08-22T13:50:00.000-04:00

Not really on my own... but on my blog.

It's been an interesting week. We've been discussing careers and the future. Seems like we've just gotten settled and there's a chance that we may uproot again in the next year. It makes me nervous, and it used to make me excited (see previous blog on moving history). I don't really want to leave Lexington, even though I know if we did, I would be alright.

Some friends have had a tough month. Two of my closest pals have miscarried early in their pregnancies. I told them it made me not want to get pregnant, but also to hurry up and get pregnant because I know the risk of miscarriage increase with age. I can't imagine what they've gone through. It must be devastating.

I started my RCIA classes at SEAS. We had some "pre" classes during the summer, but actually started our schedule on Monday night. The group seems like a diverse and fun group. I'm still not sure what it will be like on a weekly basis, but I'm looking forward to learning.

Joined the gym last Wednesday night. I've been 5 times since then. I'm pretty excited about it. I have to make that feeling last as I know we all get gung-ho in the beginning of a commitment like this. It feels good to get sweaty - I just hope it's also causing me to get back in shape. Mentally and physically.

Feels Like Home

2007-05-07T10:34:00.000-04:00

Well, we're officially three weeks into home ownership. But we still feel like we're living in cardboard boxes. We are mostly unpacked, but not to the point where we feel like the house is totally ours. For instance, the kitchen seemed to be almost done two weeks ago, but laziness and pure exhaustion have kept us from doing the much-needed corner touch ups and all that. So, no pictures on the wall... I think that's my sign I'm home. I moved so much as a little kid, that I always knew it was home when the pictures went on the walls.

They were always the same photos too. My mom has this picture of a lady all dressed in white with pastel accents that always went in the living room with the brass and gold shelf that Pinky and Blue Boy lived on... I'm pretty sure Blue Boy lost an arm and Pinky got decapitated along the way, but that's nothing super glue can't fix.

Anyway, I'm starting to get those same photo requirements in my home. We hung the sun from Jamaica on the bathroom wall and I have our decorative wedding plate in the living room. And of course, our Maker's Mark family room is coming along.

I'm also getting used to seeing my house when I come home. It comforts me. In that sense, it really feels like home. After I mow the lawn, I feel like a rock star too! And it looks so fabulous!

I know that one day soon it will sink in that my "lease" won't be up on this place and I won't have to vacate anytime in the near future. After moving so many times in my life, that's hard to believe. Below is what I believe to be a thorough listing of my residences in 27.5 years. I'm sure I know someone who can correct it if it's wrong (wink, wink).

Beardstown, IL
Adrian, Mich. (2 houses)
Dixon IL
Mexico, MO
Dayton, OH (6 houses)
Maysville, KY (4 houses)
Lexington, KY (2 dorms, 6 houses)

A Little Bit of This...

2007-04-09T10:49:00.000-04:00

Time for some meaningless jibber-jabber after a long weekend and a disconnected work week last week.

The in-laws were in from NY last week. Helped us pack, which I loathe, so that was great! We ate way too much good food, so I've derailed from the weight-loss train again... GRR.
Went home for Easter and saw many of the nieces/nephew. Kaylen is such a great little baby... Kind of makes me want one... But I'd like to get someone else to have it for me.
Our apartment is nothing but boxes now. our room still looks fairly normal (meaning, my side is a mess). I am really not excited about moving in a week, but am very excited about our home! It's pretty surreal. We can finally paint something not apartment white or the lovely beige color our house is now.

Trying to help plan our 10-year reunion - though that is slow coming. I need to get to it and find my list of classmates, because I fear no one else is finding theirs...I think we're set on a date and location, now for the hard part, finding 160 folks that you never talked to in school and certainly don't know. Hell, I can't even remember some folks.

I'm utterly bored with DWTS this season. I'll keep watching though, because I'm pathetic.

However, I'm totally in love with the show Brothers & Sisters - I love Sally Field, I think she's amazing and I'm sort of mad-crushing (as my niece Jameson would say) on Rob Lowe. "And yes, I love you too." (final words to Kitty on this week's episode).

Okay, I clearly have no life whatsoever.

Guess Who's Back...

2007-03-15T16:32:00.000-04:00

i'm back at rupp again. The mighty penn quakers are making a run against texas a&m. for the sportslover in me, this is a truly magical time of year. for the SID in me, this is a frustrating and nerve-racking time of year.

i felt the nervousness wash over me on selection sunday. I guess that tells me there's still a little juice for this left in me.

but i have a feeling that four games in one day will water that down.

Fun & Games

2007-03-06T17:13:00.000-05:00

Those Barenaked Ladies are funny.... Song on their newest album called "Fun & Games" is about the war... my favorite excerpt....

While you all slumbered We sat and crunched numbers Of all the causalities we could afford There's no need to draft them You could hear us laugh then The poor and black all need the room and board Did I say that out loud?

Interesting - ey?

My List

2007-02-28T12:42:00.000-05:00

Well, I realized that tomorrow is March 1st, which means we're officially 59 days into the new year - so I'm revisiting my New Year's Resolutions...

Things to accomplish in 2007 (in no particular order):
Lose the extra 30-45 pounds I'm currently carrying. Easier said than done. So far holding steady... nice!
Buy a house, maybe. I like our house now, but we're wasting money. Putting in offer #2 on a home!
Become debt free. well, outside of the $150,000 loan for the house, we're getting there.
Begin planning our family. house first, babies later.
Figure out a way to keep organized. still figuring
Get Mom healthy and cancer-free. treatment #2 is tomorrow - we're on our way
Welcome a new baby niece in April (yeah, Kaylen) one month away!!!
Plan a trip to see Brian and Lexy in Italy. can't do it - they came home!!!
Read a book a week. yeah, no.
Rock out to my new ipod on my new bicycle.ipod - check, bike - TOO cold.

So there you have it! Mom does have her chemo tomorrow after a delay based on an infection. She's pretty tired, but in good spirits. Seester and Leester are in KY this week... nice to see them and Luther Sunday.

Watched the Oscars and was bored to tears - I'm officially voting the Emmy's or the Golden Globes my favorite awards show... Oscars are stuffy and boring... I need racy cloths and drama.

We watched the Black Donelly's last night and I almost liked it!

Hmmmmmm.... Reading To Kill a Mockingbird for book club. Excellent selection by Dunkity-Dunk... I've read it before, but will enjoy it again. Need to finish the Girls in Blue Sisterhood book first though.

Here I Am

2007-02-01T15:15:00.000-05:00

Nothing much to report. It's finally winter here. I've woken up to snow on the ground on more than one occassion this past week. I'm not complaining - I actually like to see the snow. If it's going to be cold enough to freeze your nose hairs, you might as well have something pretty to look at, right?

Cancer treatment #1 is done for Mom. 7 more to go! Yeah!

American Idol has started again! I'm actually ready for the silly auditions to end so the real show can begin. But I'm enjoying finally having new GA to watch on Thursdays. The show is - seriously - funny!

I'm so sick of watching Britney Spears slut around as well. Get with it woman - you have two babies - one of which is under six months old. Stay home, watch tv, order pizza, play with your kids - is that SOOO hard?

The brother is coming home from Italy on Tuesday. I know it's not the most ideal situation to be separated from your wife, but I'm very happy to have him home. I actually missed him and his brilliant daughter a lot. And it will be nice to have him around while Mom goes through this stressful recovery.

Going to the Windy City next Wednesday for the Boog's 29th Birthday! I'm soooo excited to see her and have a girls weekend! It's amazing to me that it's in the middle of basketball season - unreal! I have a life!

Gone

2007-01-03T15:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so I yelled at my sister for never posting on her blog and I'm just as guilty. No posts since September. I choose to blame the holidays and a busy spell at work. Or utter laziness.

New year, New Mandy.

Things to accomplish in 2007 (in no particular order):

Lose the extra 30-45 pounds I'm currently carrying. Easier said than done.
Buy a house, maybe. I like our house now, but we're wasting money.
Become debt free.
Begin planning our family.
Figure out a way to keep organized.
Get Mom healthy and cancer-free.
Welcome a new baby niece in April (yeah, Kaylen)
Plan a trip to see Brian and Lexy in Italy.
Read a book a week.
Rock out to my new ipod on my new bicycle.

That's a mean list... But I have to do it!

Mom's doing well - spirits are up. Chemo is next, but I'm sure she can handle it. I won't lie though, seeing her scar from the mastectomy was a little more than I had planned on. Hard enough to see a photo of that type surgery, another to look at your mom laying there permanently disfigured. And to think that it's probably inevitable for me as well. Very eye-opening.

For my pop-culture run down, here we go:

American Idol starts in two weeks - yahoo.
Emmitt won Dancing with the Stars - thank goodness. I hate that Mario.
Britney is out of control. Stay home and watch t.v. with your kids!
Julia is preggers again - never gonna get another good movie out of her if she keeps taking time off to have adorable babies with her adorable husband. Dang it.
Soooo very sick of the media stalking of Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson.

Well, that was a lot of blog in a little time. Must go start my 2007 to-do list...

I Wanna Dance with Somebody

2006-09-20T14:35:00.000-04:00

So Joey Lawrence stole DWTS last night.... I didn't think he could top Mario based on last week's showing, but it appears Blossom is kicking Saved by the Bell's ass this week. I was excited to see a much-improved Sara Evans and a vastly-better Harry Hamlin. Willa Ford, though not a "pop star" as they continue to call her, is a contender if she can find any kind of fan base. That might not be likely considering the length of her singing career.

I would like to bid farewell to Jerry Springer, though unlikely. Perhaps Shanna Moakler can go home to her heinous soon-to-be ex-husband.

I'm starting the tragic pet-lover book Marley & Me tonight. Forbidden fruit for bookies.

30 hours until Grey's Anatomy premieres!!

Doctor, Doctor

2006-09-19T11:14:00.000-04:00

Not too much to report. Best friend from high school got married this weekend. It was a lovely wedding and she was gorgeous - as I expected her to be. She's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming this week where the average temperature was to be 50 degrees - she seemed upset by this, I would be delighted.

Finished the Book Club book today. The Memory Keeper's Daughter - I wasn't impressed. I had high hopes for this one and it just left me feeling like I'd wasted my time. I didn't get attached to any characters and thought the ending was just sort of - THERE.

Two days until Grey's Anatomy premiere - can we talk about my level of excitement for this!!!!! And tonight is Dancing with the Stars - very fun.

Went to my girl doctor today and have to admit that I just love my Dr. and her entire staff. Going to the girl doctor is not the most pleasant thing in the world, but the place I go is wonderful. So nice and thoughtful. I heart them. Cheers to Dalia, Ashley and crew!

With that, I bid farewell.

Could I Have This Dance?

2006-09-13T09:47:00.000-04:00

The first signs of life in a new fall television season have appeared in the form of the cha-cha and the foxtrot. Dancing with the Stars has commenced and I'm quite happy about it. Though after one night, I've already decided that I'm going to like most the people I least want to like.

Like Mario Lopez - he was damn good for the first night. And I so want to hate him for the whole Ali Landry debacle.

Also a fan of Emmitt Smith and Cheryl Burke. Very good. Vivica A Fox was a good show. And I'm not sure I've ever seen Monique Coleman in anything, but she's likely to make the top four if she keeps up like she did last night.

My disappointments? Harry Hamlin for one. This man watched the whole last season up close. He lived with it. He must do better next week.

Sara Evans. She seemed very out of place. I know she can do better.

I'm not even commenting on Tucker Carlson. Not worth the effort to type my feelings since he'll be gone tonight.

In other news, best friend's wedding is Saturday! And we're 8 days til new Grey's!

There She Goes...

2006-09-07T13:12:00.000-04:00

She's been sighted - and guess what? She's a BABY! Shocking, I realize. She's cute, but I have the opinion that very young babies with that much hair always look a bit creepy - like they've secretly been here hanging out and growing hair for a year or two... While I say this, I know that I'll be having a baby with a lot of hair... I mean, it's pretty much a lock.

Paris Hilton, DUI. Me, Laughing.

Reading The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards for Book Club... The author is a UK grad and a Lexington native and the story is set here. But, I've still not reached the point of no return. You know it, when you decide you can't put it down. The point when you are looking for any spare second to read even a paragraph more... I have had this happen where I stay up all night, read at stoplights, read while walking, etc. I'm not there and I'm halfway through this book. Boo.

On tap after TMKD is Marley & Me (forbidden fruit for the bookies), All the Numbers (a Zooba suggestion) and then my Mary Todd Lincoln biography. (I've started, she's not officially crazy yet!)

One day til the weekend, but I'm working volleyball (for money), so not much of a weekend! But it's still not being behind a desk all day! Peace out.

In the arms of the angels...

2006-08-28T10:08:00.000-04:00

I've been verbally scolded for my lack of blogging by a certain boog in the windy city. My apologies. Everytime I go to write, I feel about as witty and creative as this keyboard I'm typing on.

Today's a sad day. A plane crashed here yesterday killing all but one person on board. One of the people that died was a baseball player at UK who was my age and pitched with a good friend of mine. He'd been married less than 12 hours and was off to his honeymoon. Being a newlywed, it shook me up pretty good. I think we watched the news from 9 a.m. until about 3 when we had to leave to go do the million errands we had planned but put off. Please pray.

We had our big yard sale Saturday... brought in a fair amount of money. I'm pleased. I wasn't pleased, however, when we awoke at 6:10 a.m. and there was some people in a truck going 5 mph in front of our house. They eventually stopped at like 6:30 with a flashlight - yes, a flashlight.

So what else is new? Fighting a few sinus migraines this week - super fun. Also working on getting the house settled back down after purging all the yard sale crap. Working some UK volleyball tomorrow. I'm actually excited about the season, and the prospect of enjoying the team but not traveling. We are headed to SL to see the seesters this weekend. My first non-athletic traveling Labor Day in six years!

I told you boog, I got nothin.

My Girls...

2006-08-06T20:05:00.000-04:00

Kept my five- and seven-year-old nieces for the weekend... boy, they are tiresome... But cute as the dickens....

Little one says "you got married, so you're pregnant now, right?" such a sadly warped view. She was visably disappointed when I told her no.

Lovefool

2006-08-04T09:40:00.000-04:00

Thanks Byron...

50 Things I Love...

clean white t-shirts
stromboli's with mushrooms and fries dipped in tarter
finishing a great book
reaching that point in a book where you are TOTALLY sucked in
waking to look and the clock and realizing you have four more hours of sleep
paying something off - a student loan this week!
new email
real mail for no reason
Friday mail when my People comes - yes, I'm obsessed.
saturday mornings at the Farmer's Market
my youngest niece saying "Mammy"
my youngest niece saying "Unken Dave"
my youngest niece saying anything.
a cold Blue Moon
a maker's and diet after a long day
notecards - I think I collect them.
baby clothes for newborns - soo tiny
seeing old friends
being home in Maysville
vacuuming
mowing (i'm seriously not kidding)
9:59 on Sunday night, before Grey's comes on...now it must be 8:59 on Thursday.
Old 90210's I know by heart.
Watching movies I know by heart - Footloose, Steel Magnolias, Breakfast Club, Can't Buy Me Love, Lampoon's European Vacation, Top Gun, The American President, Legends of the Fall.
Listening to Harry Connick Jr. do anything - sing, play piano, mostly just talk.
The Dixie Chicks and their honesty
Bon Jovi - I really heart him/them...
the cool side of the pillow
having a cd player in the shower - it rocks
conditioner (yes, I listed that)
supreme pizza or funky chicken
Bad 80s tv shows - Kate & Allie, My Two Dads, Our House (Slight crush on the now-out Chad Allen, as you can see, but I never watched Dr. Quinn).
Any book by Beverly Cleary - thanks to Miss Sydenstricker
Judy Blume - how versatile - from Superfudge to Wifey.
George Clooney - he does things to me... including checking out my chest as a 15-year-0ld at the Regatta.
the idea of a journal. I own about 50 but never have time to write.
The Lord's Prayer sung... so much build up and emotion. My cousin Mary rocked it at the wedding.
The ring on dave's finger and all that it means.
Our new bed - seriously, it's awesome... Nothing like new bed, new sheets, new comforter.
Kitty cats - don't want one, but have pseudo adopted the neighbor's felines, Sylvester and Clementine.
Good singing in the car music - Barenaked Ladies "Old Apartment", Bon Jovi "Livin on a Prayer", BSB's "I Just Want You to Know", Billy Joel's "Piano Man"
calling my seester and knowing where she'll be - $4.19 at the window!
Big Lots
Garden Ridge - Reason alone to move to KY
Bang Bang Shrimp
New hanes athletic socks... so cozy.
Tickles
a clean car - nothing like nice, neat floor mats and a new smelly-good thing
Just about anything my nieces say or do... those kids rock. Either a good reason to have your own, or a good excuse to put it off.
putting lotion on after having shaved my legs... knowing that work is done for at least 8-10 hours - HA!

Backstreet's Back...

2006-08-01T23:25:00.000-04:00

No one probably reads this anymore, right?

Well, you miss out then. Now's when I get really creative.... Okay, tomorrow.

Girls Just Want to Have Fun...

2006-06-01T10:03:00.000-04:00

I have a nephew - Carson Michael. Pray for him - he needs it! Here he is!

Okay, I'm the worst blogger EVER. I haven't updated this bad boy in over two months. I should be shot. Or at least banished from blogland FOREVER. I was surprised my password still works for this thing.

Well, we're five weeks from the wedding! Can you believe that? I think things are progressing. I guess as long as we go get that marriage license, we'll be good to go. At least that's what I'm hoping.

Had my bachelorette shindig this weekend - it was a hoot. We went to the Island - can't beat that.

I'm working for God now. He gives away lots of food!

She...

2006-03-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

Name 3 schools you went to.
1. McMillan Elementary
2. Wright Elementary
3. Valley Forge Elementary
4. Weisenborn Intermediate
5. Northmont Junior High
6. Northmont High
7. Mason County High
8. University of Kentucky
9. Maysville Community College

Name 3 things in your purse/wallet.
1. Too many receipts that I need to enter into my checkbook
2. A piece of paper where MacKenzie first wrote her full name down for me.
3. Pictures

Name 3 things you do when you are really stressed.
1. bite my nails
2. Get a stomach ache
3. Smoke - it's bad, i know.

Name 3 favorite songs right now
1. Settle for a Slowdown - Dierks Bentley
2. I Wonder - Tara Leigh Cobble
3. Sunrise - Simply Red

Name 3 places you go to on a daily basis.
1. The shower
2. Bed
3. The Fridge (too many times!)

Name 3 things you like to do.
1. watch tv (too much)
2. read (not enough)
3. Sudoku

Name 3 favorite fruits.
1. Strawberry
2. Banana
3. apple

Name 3 things you are addicted to.
1. Diet Coke
2. Coffee
3. Grey's Anatomy

Name 3 career choices.
1. PR
2. Teacher
3. Waitress (it was so much fun!)

Name 3 goals in 2006.
1. Be a good wife
2. Be a better friend
3. Return phone calls, keep in better touch.

Name 3 plans for next week.
1. Finish spring cleaning
2. Natural Family Planning (Part 3 of 4)
3. Important Meeting

3 Names You Go By:
1. Mandy
2. Phat
3. Boog

3 Things That Scare You:
1. Failure
2. Losing those I love
3. Going crazy

3 of Your Everyday Essentials:
1. Moisturizer
2. Chapstick
3. Music

3 Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. White v-neck that I've managed to keep clean until 10 a.m.
2. My hot engagement ring
3. My blue (robin's egg!) Tommy loafers that I got at TJ Maxx or the likes 5 years ago and NEVER wear! I heart them.

3 of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists:
1. Tim McGraw (greatest hits, part deux out today!)
2. Billy Joel
3. Garth Brooks

3 Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Kindness
2. Humor
3. Trust

3 PHYSICAL Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You:
1. Eyes
2. The hand hold - if it's right, you know.
3. smell (the good kind)

3 Places You Want to go on Vacation:
1. JAMAICA - 104 days!
2. Napa Valley
3. Italy

Time After Time

2006-03-22T09:54:00.000-05:00

Well, I just finished the most magnificent book and it took me just five days. Yes book club goers, I actually finished an entire (536 page) book in five days. It was The Time Traveler's Wife by Audry Niffenegger and it was fabulous!

I'm not even sure how to put into words how much I enjoyed this book. I want to read it over and over and over. And this was Ms. Niffenegger's first novel. Nice start! I almost feel cheap thinking of starting another book today.

On to American Idol - this week's MandyAwards go to Chris (Rockin' version of Walk the Line) and Kellie (Walkin' After Midnight). Very interesting performances. My nominees to get voted off are Bucky and Kevin.

Good Days, Sunshine!

2006-03-13T15:29:00.000-05:00

Well, actually, it's been raining for two days - but anyhoo. I'm very excited for a co-worker and his wife, who found out they'll be traveling overseas this week to finally meet the child they'll be adopting. I know they've been anxiously awaiting this moment - gives me chills just thinking about it! Happy Day for them!

Tourney time continues. After an early exit from the SEC tourney, we're off to Philadelphia for the NCAA first round vs. UAB. They knocked us out of the tourney two years ago in Columbus. I hope this is more revenge than history repeating itself!

Season is drawing to a close, with more time to concentrate on the wedding. I think we're doing okay at keeping up with stuff, but I know that there will be stuff pop up... Honeymooning in Jamaica at an all-inclusive resort. I'm very excited about that... Big props to Dave for hooking that up with his cousin, who is a travel agent.

We still need to find favors and gifts for our attendants, etc. I'm not in crisis mode about that yet. I'm really just soooo happy that I have great friends in Maysville who are helping with the reception - decorating, ideas, everything. And my friend at work is getting married like three weeks before us, so we're sharing some table decor, etc. ROCKIN!

One Shining Moment?

2006-03-06T23:13:00.000-05:00

Time to hit the road again. Heading to Nashville for the tournament. I'm hoping it's not a quick trip. It took me too long to find four game outfits that fit on my oversized rear. I'm not sure why I'm so overweight right now... Need to keep at the working out. I'm sure it will pay off.

Watched "Walk the Line" before the Oscars last night. It was very very good. Touching. In total, I saw three of the "big" ones... Brokeback Mountain, Crash and the afformentioned biopic of the Johnny Cash - June Carter Cash love story. That JCC was a strong woman alright, as Reese so poetically put in her acceptance speech for Best Actress. She actually stuck around and put up with his drug addicted butt. And I blame Elvis here for the drugs. Damn it Elvis, how many times have I told you about passing off your drug habit to other super-duper-mega stars to be?

Enjoyed Crash, but don't know if it was as great as Brokeback or WTL... And now I know I need to see Capote and my boy-toy George in Syriana.

Okay. to bed, to bed I said!

98 Degrees and Rising

2006-02-28T10:54:00.000-05:00

I had a pretty good post on here from yesterday about Drew winning DWTS. Unfortunately, it wasn't appearing on my blog. Now I've had to delete it and didn't copy it over first. It has made me very angry and at this time I'm too frustrated to post again.

Suffice to say I'm very pleased with the outcome. Drew Crew Rocks!

Raining on Sunday...

2006-02-20T14:49:00.000-05:00

I'm mad. I won't even try to hide my anger today. This TV weekend was ROTTEN!

First, you kick off Lisa Rinna from DWTS, when CLEARLY Jerry Rice was the worst contestant remaining. Now, I know, I know that she wasn't going to finish first or second, but for the love of pete, she certainly doesn't deserve a fourth-place finish behind Jerry and his stiff dancing.

Don't get me wrong - I love Jerry. I really do. I admire him for coming on the show and would have been more than happy to stand in my living room and applaud his farewell Friday night. But no, you crack-smokin sports fans don't get the point of the show. It's not to call in and vote for who you like the best based on their normal career - it's to call in and vote for the people who are most impressive at BALLROOM DANCING!!!!!! (deep breathing is necessary.)

And then, THEN, I have to suffer through the stupidest moment of Grey's Anatomy in its 19-episode history. She can't sleep with GEORGE, she doesn't even notice him 90 percent of the time. He's George. I don't even notice him normally and I am forced to watch him when he's on screen. I'm not Meredith bashing here, I'm writer bashing. They won't put meredith and mcdreamy together because it's too "obvious". Then what is this crap?

I'm done.